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15 mind-bendingly bizarre search terms used to reach The National Student

28th April 2014

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The internet: it’s a funny old place, isn’t it?

We’re not just talking about happy cat videos and baby monkeys riding backwards on pigs, though.

From “kung fu panda human fanfiction” to info on edible pianos, from religions “of outlandish members” to the so oft-asked question “where to get a free blowjob from in Manchester”, there’s also a whole lot that the old t’internet can teach us.

When you’re staring at the internet all day, as we are, it’s easy to spend a lot of time watching the Google Analytics numbers shift around – whilst feeling vaguely confused about the key search terms that people have used to somehow land themselves on our site. 

Conclusion? The things people are Googling in order to reach The National Student are getting more weird.

Here are some recent, perplexing examples.

(We’ve kept all the grammatical/spelling errors in, because we think it adds to the bizarre overall effect.)

We also took the time to Google these words ourselves (NSFW is all relative) to see where they would take us – if you want to know too, just click on them.

1. stillborn kittens, build crosses

Pardon? Did you dream this? Or is it a moment from some forgotten yet still nightmarish biblical horror film? Or something disturbing from the vaults of Reddit? Or worse? Actually, we’re too scared to know.

2. Kung fun panda high school humans fanfiction

We don’t think this is too weird – I mean, we often spend afternoons musing about what would happen if that kung fu panda was actually a human (not only that but a human teenager), doomed to the world of high school clichés and awkwardness. Honestly, we do. All the time.

3. where to get free blowjobs from in Manchester

Where indeed? We don’t think we provided the answer, unfortunately.

4. Why is Michael Gove so flipping hated


5. things not to do near a drunk

Not to do when you’re drunk, or to a drunk – just, near a drunk. See also: things not to do near a recently released, hangry lion.

6. edible piano

Why? Like, a piano that’s also a cake? Is this a thing?

7. Sheffield nurse fucked in sin cities

Annoyingly, we couldn’t find where this one led to – although we did ponder for a long time how different Sin City would have been had it actually taken place in Sheffield.

8. sex wit my friend in my lounge in uni

You wrote ‘wit’, which is not a word, so why are you even allowed to be in uni?

9. Things to do with a pot noodle

Pour in boiling water and eat, maybe...?

10. how not to get bored in a club when you hate dancing

Sorry, no answers here. Maybe just hit the bar? Alcohol works.

11. i just had a break up

Aw, shucks. Typing your heartbreak into Google isn’t going to bring him/her back, though. Shame.

12. religion of outlandish members

The imagery that springs to mind in relation to this interestingly placed selection of words is, and there is nothing relative about it, not safe for work.

13. Are the chuckle brothers still alive

They are! Well, we think they are – we spoke to an actual Chuckle Brothers ‘superfan’ recently and they weren’t aware that they were dead. If they were, this would effectively undermine their purpose as a ‘superfan.’ So we hope they’re not.

14. Desolation of smaug penis joke

This makes us sad.

15. Bus travling boobs cleavage image

“Bus travling boobs cleavage image.” We have nothing further to say. We are now done here.

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