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What do Mario Balotelli's grilled peaches, Nazi cake and the Illuminati have in common?

8th August 2013

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A: They are all searches that have brought the humble internet reader to TNS.

We’ve already enlightened you with the often frankly disturbing search terms people have used to reach TNS once, but you know – people are probably never going to stop being freaks.

And we hope they don’t, because it’s amusing.

Here you go:

Welsh faces

Welsh faces. We’re racking our brains, and coming up with nothing but Nessa, Uncle Bryn and Charlotte Church. Is this what the five people who reached TNS after searching for ‘Welsh faces’ were expecting? Or were they engaging in some kind of uncomfortable racial profiling?

We don’t know, and/or understand.

Led to: Comment: Outrage after Welsh Government offers sex industry career advice

Vacuum cleaner sex

The amount of people who landed on TNS after trawling the internet for ‘vacuum cleaner sex’/‘vacuum sex’/‘sex with vacuum’ (I could go on, but you get the idea) is more than slightly surprising. TNS may have lived a sheltered life, but we didn’t realise this was an actual thing.

Our main concern, aside from the mental/physical/emotional health of those people who need to utilise inanimate household objects in order to get their rocks off, is that they probably didn’t find what they were looking for on TNS. We’re sorry for this. Kind of.

Led to: Top 10 weirdest sexual fetishes 

Mario balotellis grilled peaches

Is it a misspelled and frankly worrying euphemism, or evidence that the tempestuously behaved AC Milan player has a secret life as a gourmet fruit chef?

The latter, definitely.

Led to: Comment: Balotelli - bonkers or brilliant?

and Comment: Nobody bigger than Liverpool FC? Suarez proves it's all a lie

AND Recipe: Summer Salad of Grilled Tenderstem, Peaches & Goats' Cheese

female formicophilia video

TNS is not ashamed to say that we had to resort to Urban Dictionary to ascertain what this meant.

We don’t particularly like ants and really, really, really didn’t want to Google this... NSFW.

In the end, we did.

Again, it led here, sort of predictably: Top 10 weirdest sexual fetishes

horny call out cleaners Swansea

You know how it is – you’re in south west Wales, you need a cleaner, you need a shag, you’re short on time... you want to kill two birds with one stone. What’s a time poor, sex-starved/unclean person to do? Logically, this is the answer.

Except it isn’t, because horny call out cleaners don’t appear to exist in Swansea. Sad.

(Somehow) leads to: Interview: Scott Ian

difference in eating your friend abroad and in your country

47 people needed to know the answer to this question. 47! That’s a lot.

We’re entertained by the fact that the second result led to TNS’s very serious advisory piece about fitting in on your year abroad. One age-old trick, FYI: try not to cannibalise acquaintances, new friends, or anyone else you might meet, lest you end up fitting right in at the local secure facility for the mentally disturbed.

Led to: Fitting in on your year abroad

in lotr would the elves have oral sex

Well, dear three TNS readers for whom this was a pressing issue, we don’t know. Would they? We’re assuming you’d quite like Arwen and Legolas to be fans of the old cunnilingus/fellatio. In fact, you’re probably thinking hard about it right now (you big big freak). We hope the erotic fanfiction opportunities provided by TNS gave you what you needed.

Led to: 10 most inappropriate pieces of erotic fanfiction

got to lay off the booze for a while mate x

We’d think the person who searched for this might have meant to write it on Facebook, or some other forum where it could be met with sufficient amounts of encouragement/general derision. But in fact it was searched for on more than one occasion. We’re confused.

Led to: Just one more drink? How to know when it's time to lay off the booze

how to become illuminati

Here’s a quick-fire way to become the ACTUAL Illuminati: study your Dan Brown. Make friends with Jay Z. That’ll probably be enough. We imagine.

Led to: The World According to Alex Jones

nazi cake

Waheyyy, it’s party time! Let's have a spontaneous gathering! What would be a good type of cake for such an occasion, do you think? Chocolate? Victoria sponge? Maybe a nice bit of carrot?

Nah, too mainstream. What about a cake based on a tyrannical, xenophobic political movement? Yes, that’s a much better plan! Done!

Led to: Nazi cake baker faces jail

So, we come to the end. We're glad to have once again shared with you the deeply mystifying world that exists in the murky depths of the internet/TNS's Google Analytics page. It has been both a harrowing and an enlightening journey. Now, we shall be recovering with a stiff drink (but definitely no grilled peaches or nazi cake).

If you so wish, you can see more of TNS's favourite ridiculous search terms here.

Photo credit: mroach / Foter / CC BY-SA

Photo credit: andy z / Foter / CC BY-NC-SA

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