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Insect Sex and Dirty Norfolk Knickers: The Most Unexpected Search Terms Used to Reach TNS

3rd June 2013

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If there’s one thing more bizarre than the crap that lurks in the darkest corners of the internet it’s the human beings who spend their time actively searching for it.

We at TNS are partial to wasting a lot of our day staring at the real-time Google Analytics page that tells us exactly who is reading the site, where they are, and more importantly than anything, how they got there.

In conclusion, there are some freaks in this world and most of them appear to be reading TNS.

We decided to put all the time we spend being incredulous at keyword search terms to good use and collect them together for your enjoyment/horror/confusion.

Apologies if what you see here leaves you scarred. We advise caution. And wholesome activities for afterwards.

Strongest vaginas in the world                                                                                   

First up, it’s a new element of the World’s Strongest Woman Contest... or maybe not. We’re not sure why anyone would be testing the strength of their vagina (how would that even work? Weights? Dumbbells?), much less why anyone would be looking for the results on the internet. But they definitely were, and it took them to this delightful TNS Web Dump about sex robots in China. We’re not sure if that’s what they were looking for, but hey ho.

Haery smallfucking

Again, we’re not 100% sure what this specimen of humanity was looking for when they typed these non-words into their Google search box and instead found TNS’s article on the unfortunately named town of Fucking, Austria. Hairy fucking? Small people fucking? Small hairy people fucking? It’s beginning to sound like some kind of mind-bending Lord of the Rings fanfiction porno. Which leads us alarmingly on to...

The hobbit sex slave fanfics

TNS’s 10 most inappropriate pieces of erotic fanfiction was a hit last year, probably because it was dripping with erotically-laced sarcasm. There is no hobbit sex slave inclusion, but it does begin with a peak into the bizarre world of Lord of the Rings fans’ fictional sexual preferences - which include having Legolas and Arwen do the nasty in “blatant disregard for human anatomy.” TNS really hopes this was a satisfying replacement for a sex slave version of Samwise Gamgee.

Sex pleasure by insects

There are some sexual fetishes that, no matter how much TNS likes to think it would be inclusive to all people, we just cannot begin to comprehend. At all. Sexual pleasure... by insects. Like, cockroaches? Or stick insects? Or beetles? Is it bestiality if it’s insects? Probably. You sir, are sick. As are most of the people who involve themselves in the activities listed in our Top 10 Weirdest Sexual Fetishes. We imagine.

Notorious big homophobe

Notorious big homophobe. This brings up a few questions in TNS’s mind. Like, why is the homophobe notorious? Is it because he’s big? Or is it because he’s a homophobe? Is this in some way a reference to The Notorious B.I.G? So many questions. We think it probably is a hip hop reference that we don’t fully understand, because it takes the reader to this comment about hip hop and homophobia in the light of Frank Ocean coming out via Tumblr.

Man with the largest scrotum what I ever seen

Along with infamous serial murderers (see below) one of the main driving forces behind TNS’s traffic is people searching for information on, alternately, the biggest penis and the biggest scrotum in the world. Which is just charming, really. Conversely, though, despite the fact that we do seem to run an awful lot of smut when the occasion arises, this search term appears to take the searcher directly The World’s 10 Weirdest Festivals. No, we don’t understand either. 

Will you get a pair of bloody glasses

Will you, indeed? We’re guessing that Google are hoping this is an affirmative, although their eponymous glasses, reviewed/derided here, look a little bit shit to us. So no, sorry – TNS will not be getting a pair of bloody glasses. Our eyesight is perfectly fine and we’re largely capable of walking around a bookshop without directions, thanks. Bloody glasses. 

Dirty knickers Norfolk

TNS has never been to Norfolk, but from this we have deducted that there isn’t much going on. The fetish worker we spoke to last year isn’t in Norfolk and neither are her used pants, which is sad for the poor resident who was looking for some dirty knickers action within his/her very limited geographical location. Probably this person should stick to broad canals and Alan Partridge.     

Nice house

Everyone wants to own a nice house. Why wouldn’t you? It’s the bedrock of comfort and security and probably happiness too. We don’t think you’ll find one by just typing ‘nice house’ into Google though – just a heads up. Your search terms might need to be a tad more specific. What you will find, though, is TNS’s guide to What To Look For When Renting a House, which is nearly as good and could very well set you off on the way to finding a nice house. Yeah, you’re welcome.

Top 10 cereal killers

The amount of people searching for details on the world’s most notorious serial killers gets TNS approximately 95% of its traffic (maybe). We only have one question for the person who typed this into their search bar, though: honestly, are you stupid? Literally, are you just stupid? Have you had a lobotomy? Ok, that was two.

So, there you go. There are hundreds more of these just waiting to be unleashed. People (can we call them that? After the last hour writing this article I feel it’s questionable) are also partial to searching for such luminary phrases as ‘Turkish baby doll’ and ‘Hollywood man penis’ and ‘lezbiyen porno’, which definitely gets points for the most creatively misspelt word we’ve ever seen.

Disturbed? Try being the person who had to Google all the above in the name of journalism.

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