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Top 10 worst Christmas presents

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TNS' Worst Xmas Gifts Ever

'Tis the season to be weird! TNS uncovers the 10 gifts NOT to buy your loved ones this Christmas.

10) Donations to obscure charities. Charities, especially major ones, always receive a boost at Christmas thanks to gift donations – however, some are more deserving than others. A charity dedicated to insect conservation, for instance, is hardly likely to warm the cockles of anyone’s heart this holiday season. We say: if you are going to make a donation this Christmas, adopt a panda instead.

9) Lance Armstrong 2013 Calendar. This was slated for a September release. However, the distributors pulled it for some reason. Can’t think why...

8) A goat. “No ifs and butts, a goat’s a great gift”, say the generous folk at Oxfam. Okay – I’m not sure if “butts” is a typographical error or a misguided attempt at a pun but, I’m inclined to argue that a goat living 8,000 miles away in a village in Somalia does not constitute a “gift”. The organisation says that donating livestock to the third world can help make a “big difference” in peoples’ lives. Too right: I’d be fuming if someone got me this.

7) ‘Novelty’ condoms (see right). Yup. It’s a cock on your cock. *Ba-dum-tsh*'Novelty' Condoms

6) Real Doll. Nothing says “dying alone” like a Real Doll. These humanoid sex-aids come in three sizes: ‘small’, ‘medium’ and ‘AAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!’ If you receive one of these from your parents this Christmas, it probably means you are a genetic cast-off and are destined to spend remainder of your days in the wilderness gathering berries and sacrificing possums. 

5) Funky Alcohol. Ever fancied vodka that tastes like root beer? How about whiskey that tastes like cider? ‘Special Brew’ Champagne No? Bah, humbug!

4) A tree. "Awww, you planted a tree in Gaza in my name... Now where's my actual gift... Wait, that was the gift? What the hell!"

3) Medically unsafe sex-toys. Let’s get one thing straight: everybody loves a stripper mug or pasta shaped like boobs. They’re hilarious. However, spending £20 on a butt plug that cannot physically be accommodated by a human colon is not particularly clever or incisive.

2) Coal. Not even hipsters who say they ‘don’t like Christmas’ think this is funny. Gifting someone coal is like slapping someone in the face. Except on Christmas.

1) Recycled gifts. Giving someone the same gift they gave you the previous year is one of the worst things a person can do – ever. The phenomenon of ‘re-gifting’ (courtesy of Seinfeld) still remains popular, however, despite being frowned upon by basically everyone. While we assume most folk do this out of ignorance, there is undoubtedly a small minority who genuinely believe the other person forgot they bought the gift in the first place. Which is just plain stupid.

Strange but true... TNS takes you through time to uncover the most bizarre Christmas gifts from history!

  • Vincent Van Gogh famously gifted a prostitute his severed ear.
  • No presents were legally exchanged in Britain between the years 1644 and 1660 when Oliver Cromwell outlawed all Christmas celebrations.
  • Novelist Charles Dickens donated the greatest gift of all... by inventing Christmas! Okay, I know that isn’t strictly true, but his 1843 book A Christmas Carol is credited with helping to popularise and spread the traditions of the festival. Before the Victorian novel, Christmas was not widely celebrated in the British Isles, so who knows where we’d be today without Dickens!



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