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10 most inappropriate pieces of erotic fanfiction

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The biggest problem when compiling a list of the ten most inappropriate pieces of erotic fan-fiction is this: all fan-fiction is inappropriate. Loving a piece of fiction so much that you feel compelled to recreate it repeatedly in your head is fanatical and a bit unbalanced (I know this from experience - thank you very much.)

Nintendo and all 151 original Pokémon. Recreating it on paper is inappropriate. You’re taking things too far. Writing erotic fan-fiction is even worse, because it isn’t even in keeping with the piece of fiction you’re writing about - those characters didn’t have sex, no matter how much you wanted them to. You’re not only stealing someone’s work and using it for your own animal pleasures, you’re also distorting the very fiction that you’re supposedly a fan of. Erotic fan-fiction is creepy laptop-masturbator fodder at its best, and at its worst it becomes an apparently legitimate trilogy of best-selling novels (although that’s only ever happened once so far). Anyway, whatever. This is the world we live in now, so here are ten hideous attacks on creativity in general, fuelled by lust, avarice and stupidity. Welcome to the future.

10. Greenleaf and Evenstar by arwenfan101

So, for those of us not immediately turned on by elves, Greenleaf and Evenstar are cool elf-names for Legolas and Arwen from Lord of the Rings. LOTR has been a big target for this kind of fanfiction, which usually features various combinations of hobbits. I’ve chosen arwenfan101’s offering because of the blatant disregard for human anatomy - in fairness, I haven’t given much thought to how elves have sex (unlike the author), but I would assume that regardless of race, ramming your penis into someone’s clitoris will not have the desired effect. Unless the desired effect is sudden pain and anger.

9. Rightfully Mine by ElysiaTheWolf

So, as I alluded to earlier, Fifty Shades of Grey started life as an erotic Twilight fan-fiction - a fact which, incidentally, turns my stomach more than the combination of every entry on this list. Anyway, the point is, before women had vampires and rich men to dominate them in creepy ways, there was only one man for the job: Hannibal Lecter. ElysiaTheWolf clarifies in the blurb that Hannibal is played in this five-chapter story (or rape fantasy) by Gaspard Ulliel, and the protagonist is played by her, the writer. Since no one else knows who the hell she is or what she looks like*, this statement should give you a pretty clear idea of whose benefit this piece was written for.

*Unless, of course, she is a wolf as her name implies - in which case, WTF?

8. An Unusual Love Affair by Red Blaze 16

Red Blaze 16 is not selling himself short when he describes this love affair as ‘unusual’- especially since he’s chosen to use characters from He-Man. The action in the ‘one-shot’ (a jargon term which means ‘one-chapter’, and also means that the author wasn’t committed enough to carry on writing the story after they’d written the bare minimum required to achieve an orgasm) takes place between Teela, a sexy Amazon redhead, and Orko, a floating tea-towel with a hat. Watch out for when Orko sensually strokes Teela with his robe - after all, what the hell else is he going to do? 

7. THE MODEL AND THE STREET CAT by ULYFERAL

It’s hard to believe we’re only at number seven, and we already seem to have run out of pieces involving at least one human partner. Anyway, if you like imagining Top Cat having gay sex with a range of smaller cats, and you enjoy block capitals, then you’re on the same page as ULYFERAL. Although some users have complained that the story is paedophilic (I hate it when something as inappropriate as paedophilia interrupts my enjoyment of the beautiful, pure romance between two gay cartoon cats) it received rave reviews from users such as RedJam, who said it was “the most awesome thing that I've ever read”. I guess you’re not a big reader, RedJam.

6. A Game of Cat and Mouse by Pink BonBons 91

If you’ve ever wondered what happens when Tom finally catches Jerry, wonder no more. According to Pink BonBons 91, what Tom’s really been chasing all these years is homosexual rape. As someone to whom this motive has never occurred (all this time I’ve foolishly been inferring that Tom wants to catch Jerry because he is a cat and Jerry is a mouse), all I can say is that for Pink BonBons 91, an episode of the cartoon must have been an experience filled with intense sexual frustration. At least the fact that Tom’s penis even fits inside Jerry is consistent with cartoonish exaggeration.

5. A Matter of Pride by Christine Morgan

Top Cat and Tom and Jerry have the questionable benefit of being anthropomorphic animals - animals which are slightly human in appearance - which seems to make them easier targets for freakish sexual attention. The same cannot be said of the lions in The Lion King, who are just lions, although evidently their secret propensity towards rape is no less than that of Tom. In this little page-turner, Scar has a crack at raping Nala while Zazu watches. It doesn’t work, though, because Scar has erectile dysfunction (sorry to ruin the ending) - but if you’re into impotent lions attempting to rape each other while a small bird looks on, this could be for you.

4. Untitled Kung Fu Panda Scenes by Lionstar09

I bumped this one up the list to number four because imagining cartoon animals having sex is one thing, but imagining cartoon animals having sex when one of them is voiced by Jack Black is another. Much like arwenfan101, Lionstar09 exhibits a strong disregard for sexual courtesy when, in chapter 4, Po the lovable chunky panda rapes a snow leopard - and the snow leopard enjoys it. Despite her vagina tearing in the process. Oh crumbs.

3. Mammoth Harem by WitChan

So we’re now into the big three, and I can’t believe Mammoth Harem is not the worst thing on offer here. With an approach to character which is slightly unhinged, WitChan adapts the Pokémon universe to suit his own needs. In his new improved version, Ash is equipped with Pokéballs and ‘slut balls’, which can capture people and turn them into sex-zombies. With an unusually entrepreneurial bent, Ash turns his conquests into literal sex-slaves, and earns money by prostituting them. If you were a bit tired of all the rape (which I have noticed represents a high proportion of the content on offer here) then you’ll find it refreshing that because they’ve been brainwashed, the girls in this fic want to have sex. Obviously they bang some Pokémon too, which is just fine. And some of the characters are underage. How is this only number three?

2. Belle and Flynn: A Collection of Romantic Snippets by Trainmaster64

Belle and Flynn are two characters from Thomas the Tank Engine. Belle is a train, and Flynn is a fire-truck. In chapter eight of this mammoth 43,000-word story, these two characters engage in oral sex. The fact that they have only one recognisable human characteristic (a face) hasn’t stopped Trainmaster64 from imagining, and setting down for others, what it might be like if they had sex. As it happens, Belle hates the taste of Flynn’s ‘juices’- which is hardly surprising, given that what she’s been swallowing is probably some sort of industrial waste. This isn’t even appropriate material for an inappropriate erotic fanfic.

1. Jurassic Park: Neogenesis by Drakesceptor

This is by far the best story I read on my disgusting travels. As well as painting for us a picture of a velociraptor called Lunge Claw shagging an albino girl (try getting your fix of THAT somewhere else…) Drakesceptor uses his cogent prose (not) to describe how they get married on ‘one of the Jurassic Parks’ and have a part-human, part-raptor baby. With a flagrant disregard for the English language, the nuances of the Jurassic Park series, the laws of nature, biology and physics, Drakesceptor gives the finger to all logic and reason in this five-chapter car crash. As Lunge Claw himself says: “You didn’t expect that from a dinosaur, did ya?” No. No, I did not.

 

Well, I don’t know about you, but I feel a bit tired, a bit sick, and not even partially aroused. The horrible truth is, however, that despite our best efforts, we’ve barely scratched the surface here. To give you some idea of scale, the main site I’ve trawled (fanfiction.net) features eighteen sections. Of those eighteen sections, film is one- and it contains 1,456 different film franchises. Every one of these has at least one story in it, but the most popular (Star Wars) has around 30,000. Even if we assume a modest average of 300 pieces on each film series, that still works out to almost 8 million pieces of fan-fiction on just one site. Or, if you look at it another way… 800,000 ‘top ten’s. Just sayin’. Watch this space!

DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the stories referenced in this article. But since that didn’t stop these perverts ruining my favourite films and shows, I don’t see why I should hesitate to ridicule them in return.

 




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