10 most inappropriate pieces of erotic fanfiction
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The biggest problem when compiling a list of the ten most inappropriate pieces of erotic fan-fiction is this: all fan-fiction is inappropriate. Loving a piece of fiction so much that you feel compelled to recreate it repeatedly in your head is fanatical and a bit unbalanced (I know this from experience - thank you very much.) Nintendo and all 151 original Pokémon. Recreating it on paper is inappropriate. You’re taking things too far. Writing erotic fan-fiction is even worse, because it isn’t even in keeping with the piece of fiction you’re writing about - those characters didn’t have sex, no matter how much you wanted them to. You’re not only stealing someone’s work and using it for your own animal pleasures, you’re also distorting the very fiction that you’re supposedly a fan of. Erotic fan-fiction is creepy laptop-masturbator fodder at its best, and at its worst it becomes an apparently legitimate trilogy of best-selling novels (although that’s only ever happened once so far). Anyway, whatever. This is the world we live in now, so here are ten hideous attacks on creativity in general, fuelled by lust, avarice and stupidity. Welcome to the future. 10. Greenleaf and Evenstar by arwenfan101 So, for those of us not immediately turned on by elves, Greenleaf and Evenstar are cool elf-names for Legolas and Arwen from Lord of the Rings. LOTR has been a big target for this kind of fanfiction, which usually features various combinations of hobbits. I’ve chosen arwenfan101’s offering because of the blatant disregard for human anatomy - in fairness, I haven’t given much thought to how elves have sex (unlike the author), but I would assume that regardless of race, ramming your penis into someone’s clitoris will not have the desired effect. Unless the desired effect is sudden pain and anger. 9. Rightfully Mine by ElysiaTheWolf So, as I alluded to earlier, Fifty Shades of Grey started life as an erotic Twilight fan-fiction - a fact which, incidentally, turns my stomach more than the combination of every entry on this list. Anyway, the point is, before women had vampires and rich men to dominate them in creepy ways, there was only one man for the job: Hannibal Lecter. ElysiaTheWolf clarifies in the blurb that Hannibal is played in this five-chapter story (or rape fantasy) by Gaspard Ulliel, and the protagonist is played by her, the writer. Since no one else knows who the hell she is or what she looks like*, this statement should give you a pretty clear idea of whose benefit this piece was written for. *Unless, of course, she is a wolf as her name implies - in which case, WTF? 8. An Unusual Love Affair by Red Blaze 16 Red Blaze 16 is not selling himself short when he describes this love affair as ‘unusual’- especially since he’s chosen to use characters from He-Man. The action in the ‘one-shot’ (a jargon term which means ‘one-chapter’, and also means that the author wasn’t committed enough to carry on writing the story after they’d written the bare minimum required to achieve an orgasm) takes place between Teela, a sexy Amazon redhead, and Orko, a floating tea-towel with a hat. Watch out for when Orko sensually strokes Teela with his robe - after all, what the hell else is he going to do? 7. THE MODEL AND THE STREET CAT by ULYFERAL It’s hard to believe we’re only at number seven, and we already seem to have run out of pieces involving at least one human partner. Anyway, if you like imagining Top Cat having gay sex with a range of smaller cats, and you enjoy block capitals, then you’re on the same page as ULYFERAL. Although some users have complained that the story is paedophilic (I hate it when something as inappropriate as paedophilia interrupts my enjoyment of the beautiful, pure romance between two gay cartoon cats) it received rave reviews from users such as RedJam, who said it was “the most awesome thing that I've ever read”. I guess you’re not a big reader, RedJam. 6. A Game of Cat and Mouse by Pink BonBons 91 If you’ve ever wondered what happens when Tom finally catches Jerry, wonder no more. According to Pink BonBons 91, what Tom’s really been chasing all these years is homosexual rape. As someone to whom this motive has never occurred (all this time I’ve foolishly been inferring that Tom wants to catch Jerry because he is a cat and Jerry is a mouse), all I can say is that for Pink BonBons 91, an episode of the cartoon must have been an experience filled with intense sexual frustration. At least the fact that Tom’s penis even fits inside Jerry is consistent with cartoonish exaggeration.
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