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Embarrassing sex injuries revealed: Woman hospitalised after chainsaw-dildo incident

24th May 2012

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Sexual injuries: in general, we’re probably talking carpet burns, overexertion and maybe the odd pulled muscle (if you’ve been particularly vigorous).

Does it come as a surprise that 18 million Brits have injured themselves in this way?

Well, not really. Apparently, Brits like it rough.

TNS hopes that the sex injuries sustained by one third of the population are more in the category of those above, rather than the ones that we discovered through a quick bit of (mildly disturbing) Googling.

It didn’t make pleasant reading. Think mid-sex feline attacks, orgasms that quite literally make your eyes pop, and passing out in flagrante only to be discovered naked in the basement a while later – by your gran.

Clearly, sex is a dangerous activity. We bet you didn’t realise how dangerous (or how some people could get it so very, very wrong). Prepare to be enlightened.

And yes, the mishaps we discovered are all real.  

Gran’s medication: do not use as a lubricant. Imagine being so desperate for sex right now that you end up using your gran’s nitroglycerin paste as lube, causing you to pass out half way through the act. Imagine regaining consciousness, later, and being rescued. By your gran. We’d go as far as to say that this was possibly the low point of your relationship. And life.

Pussy patrol. Apparently it isn’t just dogs that are protective of their owners. Ferocious moggies have been known to claw their way into their owners’ sex sessions, leaving them with welts on their backs. And probably in some other, more painful, places.

Exploding orgasms. Eye-popping orgasms, in theory, are supposedly a good thing. But when the moment of pleasure is so intense that is causes the blood vessels in your eyes to actually explode – well, you should probably be careful what you wish for. Love might be blind, but sex probably shouldn’t be.

Face-breaking. If you’re having such ferocious sex that it causes a light fitting to become dislodged from the wall, falling off and smacking you in the face, it’s possibly not a good idea to make the situation about a million times worse by trying to sue your boss over it -because you were on a work trip. TNS would be interested to know what reception this Australian woman got in the office when she returned to work on Monday morning.

Swallowing condoms. Getting so excited during the giving of a blow job that you don’t realise you’re actually sucking the condom off, or that it has actually gone down your throat. How this could go unnoticed we don’t entirely understand.

Smashing painful. If you break a glass during the throws of (probably drunken) passion, try not to then have sex on top of the pile of smashed up shards. We’ll just put it out there; this is probably not the best sex you’ll ever have.

Stroke-inducing lovebites. Lovebites are usually the domain of over-eager teenagers. But did you know that sucking a little bit too hard on a person’s neck can actually cause blood clots and strokes? Also, it’s a bit vampiric and Twilight-esque, which isn’t particularly sexy if you’re older than 12. TNS recommends that you Just Say No.

Dildo-slasher. In an incident that sounds like it’s either been made up or left on the cutting room floor after the shooting of some kind of horror-porn slasher, a woman is admitted to hospital after an incident involving a homemade dildo and a saber saw blade. We don’t want to think about this anymore. Moving on.

Sexy spaghetti. Italian man gets over-excited whilst cooking dinner and ends up with piece of raw spaghetti lodged inside his penis. Literally nothing else to say.

Cemetery-loving. Getting injured by a collapsing tombstone whilst getting it on in a cemetery after visiting a dead relative. Because graveyards are obviously places that just bring about horniness. Maybe the ghost of the deceased was aroused (ahem) by the sexual antics.  

Hot, hot... ouch. Finally, spare a thought for the woman who ended up feeling a little bit too hot during one particular bout of oral action. So steaming was the encounter that she ended up with burns that required hospital treatment. Why? The man providing the service had just eaten spicy sauce.

We’re sorry to leave you with this mental image.

Bet you’ll never complain about carpet burn again.

Check out more sex accidents here.

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