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Cake burger and Daniel Craig shaped sweets: foods we wish we'd invented

2nd May 2012

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Sometimes a food invention comes along that TNS wishes we’d thought of ourselves (hello, chocolate Philadelphia). Unfortunately though, we often just aren’t imaginative enough.

In honour of Pizza Hut’s new Crown Crust pizza, a gastronomic delight that boasts 12 cheeseburgers around its crust, TNS decided to track down more examples of culinary ingenuity. Don’t hold us responsible if you’re so tempted by the following selection that you immediately have to run off to the nearest takeaway to inhale some deep-fried grease.

Equally, we absolve all responsibility if you never want to eat again.


The Philly Cheesesteak. A sandwich concoction of cheese and 'steak'. It’s imperative that you get the ingredients right, says Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell: ‘You’ll need the fattiest, stringiest meat to get a proper taste,’ he says. Don’t think of going near real cheese, either – the only way to make a true Philly Cheesesteak is with the classic US invention of Cheese Whiz – ‘a thick, processed cheese spread or sauce sold by Kraft Foods’ (cheers Wikipedia).

Double Layer Meat Cake with Mashed Potato Frosting. At first glance it could look like a carrot cake topped with icing sugar. It really isn’t. Please, please never question the origins of the ‘meat’.

This leads neatly onto the Cake Burger. This isn’t its real name (it doesn’t have a real name) but we think that it adequately sums it up. It’s a cheeseburger, made to look like a cake. Possibly through the use of intense food colouring in lime green (in the lettuce) and bright yellow (in the cheese). It might look like a sugary treat from a fast food addict’s birthday party, but it really is a burger (it says).

Pizza on a stick – oh yes. It’s quite a regular occurrence that TNS walks down the road eating pizza, thinking how much easier it would be if it was implanted onto a lolly stick. Think of the possibilities: a world where we can walk along, licking our pizzas as if they are in fact oddly shaped Chupa Chup confectionary, until all the cheese and tomato has gone and we’re left with soggy pizza bread clasped in a tissue. TNS sees this as a definite step forward for humanity in general.

Sour Flush Candy Toilets. When you really just feel like eating shit, this American sweets brand (of course) might be just the thing. It’s essentially ‘candy’ – packaged in a toilet. It comes complete with a lolly, which you can stick down the toilet in order to pick up and lick off the little bits of sherbet (or whatever it is) that is stored there. Of course.

Frozen Pretzel  Dog. A fusion of foods that TNS firmly believes in the future will become as popular as lager and lime, fish and chips and strawberries and cream. Probably.

Fried Brain Sandwich. Diverting from the tried and tested recipe of confusion over what the food actually is, our next discovery reaches the dizzy heights of appetising (yes, we too thought we’d never top the Frozen Pretzel Dog – but there you go). Head to St Louis and you might be lucky enough to track down this delicacy. Fried calves’ brains are battered and served in a burger bun. TNS wonders if this is legal.

Sprayable Pancake Batter. Some things that TNS believes should be sprayable: perfume, fake snow, deodorant, car de-icer. One thing that we never thought we’d see diffused from a pressurised can:  pancake batter.

In the same vein, Squeezable Bacon. For the love of god.

Gold Food Spray. Because sometimes, your lunchtime cheese sandwich is just crying out to be spray-painted with the metallic hue that comes from edible paint.

...and finally, one that you might quite like: a lollipop in the shape of Daniel Craig’s torso. Provided by the man from Del Monte.

TNS would like to sum this up by saying that honestly, you couldn't make it up. But clearly someone has. And frankly, we're gutted that it wasn't us.


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