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Web Dump - Festive Edition

20th December 2011

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This week I have learnt that not stocking-up on deodorant and eating a New York steak sandwich with extra raw onion leads to smelling like a teenage boy. The stinky kind of teenage boy. You know the kind. The ones that always have suspiciously crusty socks. On their feet. I also learnt that chicken and spicy sausage are a good mixture, a tasty mixture. I found out, because the taste enlightened my tongue and tummy. And finally, I found out that the Sears Christmas catalogue circa 1975 is absolutely bloody hilarious.

Want the same pair of pyjamas as your parents? Well grab a set for the entire family! Why have one person looking like an idiot when you can all look like one? This Flickralbumdisplays a whole bunch of awesomely shite photos including godawful bowl haircuts and some disturbed looking children. It was one of the best things I’ve discovered about Christmas...ever. 

Although as a child, the best bit about Christmas was the anticipation that this year would finally give me what I really wanted... a puppy. Well, either that or a Furby. I did eventually get a Furby, complete with Furby backpack. Furby and I would stroll around together until Furby ran out of battery.That was the day Furby died. So, I still hankered after a dog and each Christmas would bring a fresh wave of despair, as I still had nothing to cuddle/prod/shout at. Several years down the line and I now have two dogs that jump on my head when I am in bed, eat my dinner when I am not looking, and run around the house with my pants. Dogs can get annoying. Take this video. These puppies may be cute, but have a blatant disregard for their destructive behaviour. Cute, but still little gits.

You have probably vomited into the nearest bin, having been overrun with ‘cuteness’ from that video. Sugary sweet right? Not as sugary or sweet as mince pies (see what I did there -classic linking). The mince pie in this link here is the worlds most expensive mince pie ever, costing around £3,000. For £3,000 I would want it to be made from the sperm of Christ. Alas though, it is merely made from Holy water and sperm whale secretions. Mmm, tempting.

Mince-pie sperm-whale-gloop aside, something a little more appealing and realistic to do at Christmas is to blow up Christmas ornaments. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do, just throw a bunch of stuff around the room, smashing it against the walls... tearing up tinsel like the bad-ass I am. This artist, has a whole lot of pictures of exploding stuff in the Flickr album entitled, TheWaronChristmas.

And I leave you with this video that depicts an alternative way of dressing like Santa. Yeah, instead of being a holly jolly fatso in a red suit this year, do it in grey!

Okay so you will look like a raincloud, but hey, darker colours are slimming. And boy will I need slimming after all this turkey I plan on eating (I’m going in head first). Merry Christmas y’all.

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