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Innocent looking toy doll named 'Fanny Flambeaux' shoots real flames out of its crotch

22nd April 2014

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Picture this: a row of Barbie-esque dolls in a toy shop, smiling away like they have no worries in the world other than ironing their pretty floral dresses and walking their tiny dogs. They probably sport shiny, housewife-y hair, and have a distinctly twee, fifties look about them.

Looks can be deceiving though. In fact, it might even be the case that these dolls are hiding a secret – maybe even a deadly one.

Yes, amongst the dolls in your local high street toy shop, we are aware of an imposter.

Her name is Fanny Flambeaux, and she has one aim in life.

It isn’t to look pretty for evermore in her many floral outfits, or have her hair brushed by little girls for the rest of her (probably fairly short) plastic lifespan.

Oh no. Fanny Flambeaux’s mission is far more serious: to defeat her enemies as “flaming hot leader” of the Smokin’ Pussies Gang, using the in-built flamethrower that she appears to have secreted inside her, well, intimate area.  

Well, Toy Story did remind us that all our toys have a secret life.

Still, it’s not even a lighter-sized flame. It’s more like a blowtorch.

Oh yeah, and the main thing - you can buy your very own Fanny Flambeaux at Poundland.

We think this is probably a bit cheap. Frankly, we think her talents are probably one more than one solitary British quid.

Still though - what kind of toy is this?

We have no answer.

After following the incongruous “little pink instructions,” which direct him to place Fanny Flambeaux in a downward dog/common sexy time position, the unfortunate maker of this video nearly gets a blowtorch level of fire in the face when she (unexpectedly, it must be admitted) makes good on all her flame-throwing promises.

As he says – oh, for god’s sake. That’s not dignified.

No, it is not.

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