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The 5 worst websites to visit whilst drunk

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After a few too many drinks with friends we’ve all come back from a night out, completely smashed but not tired. Maybe it’s the Red Bull and vodka you funnelled down your throat. Maybe it’s the testosterone still pumping round your system. Maybe it’s the fact that you attempted to do the splits on the dancefloor haunting you. Whatever the reason, you’re drunk, alone and have a laptop full of terrible ideas. Ideas like:

Facebook

The obvious first port of call for drunken idiocy, Facebook gives you an unrivalled range of fuckuppery options. Get involved in comment wars with people you hardly know. Don’t worry, the risk is minimal because, no matter how dumb and booze addled your opinions, no one will be able to read them. Your posts may start off vague legible (sample “I reafllyllijeTyulrSwifft”) but by the end they’ll have morphed into Welsh street signs (sample “cyllllyhhyarrthyyjggle”)

Or you could just do what you do sober. Stalk your ex and hope her boyfriend is fat.

LinkedIn

This website has huge, unexplored potential for drunken career wrecking typing. I’ve done it personally (I have my Tab articles for drunken career wrecking typing) but the possibilities here are endless. Change your Job Description to “Pussy Hound”. Send potential employers endorsements for “sexual harassment” or “racism”. Come on people.

EBay

Until you’ve been drunk on Ebay, you’ve never realised how much you NEED a lawnmower for your fourth floor flat. Or a set of china plates with Joey Essex’s face on. Or Richard and Judy’s Guide to Cattle Ranching. Or a special box set edition of Keeping Up With The Kardashians narrated by Nelson Mandela. Or Glow in the Dark Anal Beads. That last one is a real thing. Which presumably means there are people in the world who insert anal beads, and then forget where they put them. And isn’t inserting luminous objects into your asshole just begging aliens to probe you? You basically given them a landing strip.

Youtube

This may not be an obvious choice. After all, it doesn’t disturb anyone else. But staying up until 6am because you drunkenly think you can learn needlepoint isn’t great for your health. Then again, nor is chucking. But at least the latter gets rid of your nagging inner feelings of doubt. Staying up trying to master needlepoint while drunk and taking advice from a video is going to lead to more stab wounds than a Tempa T concert.

Besides, by this stage of your drunken internetting you’re already seemingly Welsh, unemployable and penniless. Although those other two things could be covered by Welsh. You might as well have a good sleeping pattern.

In truth you probably won’t even put on a video where there’s a chance you might learn something. You’ll just watch Nyan Cat play the piano. Or something.

Grooveshark

It’s 4am, also known as: not the perfect time to loudly demonstrate your love of Meatloaf. But the Frosty Jacks in your system won’t care about that. It just cares about hearing BAT OUTTA HELL screamed by a grey-haired overweight rocker one last time. It can then happily know its job is done and can promptly leave your system and decorate the floor.




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