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5th January 2012

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After the total turd-fest crapola of Christmas television, you’d think there would be something decent gracing the schedules in the New Year. I mean, what did we get for festive viewing? We had Pat Evans of Eastenders gasping for her last breath in her (bloody fast) desent to death, looking like a whale made entirely of quilt, and a Made in Chelsea Christmas special that heard Amber proudly declare, “the best gift a girl can get for Christmas, is a pearl necklace”. Yeah.

74 Stone BabysitterSo apart from say, Doctor Who and Sherlock, it really was a poor show for December.

But never fear, the new year brings with it new programmes, new soap plots and new formats for our viewing pleasure.

And what do we have? Well we had the 74 Stone Babysitter (Channel 4), a documentary following a hippo woman who could not physically move due to excess lard, literally having to be rolled around by a team of people, if she was required to be anywhere. And that she was. Court. She was accused of killing her nephew by rolling onto him and squashing him whilst he was in her care. After grim footage of people heaving this woman onto her back in order to wipe her arse because she couldn’t reach, we were treated to grisly details of the injures this poor child received. It turned out that the really fat woman didn’t do it and was instead covering for her less fat (but still fat) sister who had beat her own child to death. Horrible, shock television. Happy new year everyone!

Next up was the Fat Fighters (again, Channel 4), a show that followed different personal trainers and the extreme lengths they go to, in order to help their clients lose weight. Fascinating stuff really, as I’ve always wondered exactly what goes on in a gym, you know, being the blubbery buffoon I am. I definitely felt a television programme containing all the information and hidden gems pertaining to this subject incredibly helpful. Although it would seem that there are people out there who genuinely don’t know what to do in order to lose weight however, as one participant of the training regime admitted, “I don’t know how to eat healthily”. Good lord, this planet. This planet.

After that steaming guff, I thought the new gameshow that Channel 4 had been plugging for months would be worth a punt. The Bankjob, a seemingly snazzy and polished show unveiled itself at the start of the week and showed us all just how snazzy and polished it was actually not. The premise was basically Deal or no Deal with questions taken from the kid version of Trivial Pursuit, starring a cast worthy of TOWIE. No one ugly or old or ‘normal’ took part, despite the online vetting process being ‘totally random’. The questions are idiotic, the game requires no skill, has little suspense and a set of rules that no one understands, not even host George Lamb. Speaking of which, seeimingly needs a lesson in current language trends. “My dear”, and “my darling”, are just not heard in gameshows these days. At any point. Any ANY point.

So- that’s naff too.

And as an extra nugget of poo for all the crap we are wading through, Channel 5 have launched Celebrity Big Brother (again) and it stars Frankie Cocozza. Wake me up when 2012 ends, although the world's supposed to end at some point soon anyway. Maybe it’s for the best.

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