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Revealed: Student tuition fees funnelled into secret "port and cupcake" parties for Vice Chancellors at Whitehall

1st April 2015

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Students' tuition fees are being directly funnelled into massive “port and cupcake” parties for the country’s most celebrated university vice chancellors, according to a shock investigation.

According to student-led quasi-detective organisation Investigative Student Rights, tuition fees from students across the UK are bypassing universities all together, and are being directly paid into a secret off-shore fund that fuels debauched night-time activities beneath the streets of Central London.  

Shockingly, the gatherings, which are funded by investment in bank accounts based in Monaco, are allegedly taking place in a secret bunker underneath Whitehall (pictured).

Investigative Student Rights claims that these “utterly deplorable” parties have been taking place on a bi-annual basis since the tuition fee cap was raised to £9,000 in September 2012.

Lead investigator Melissa Mugoff has called the events “a sickening indictment of the way this government treats students and those less well off than itself” and has decried “the unbelievably callous nature of this happening... quite literally underneath our impoverished feet.”

She goes on to suggest that these parties, which hold a red trouser, pinstripes and top hat dress code, may have been one reason why the government chose to increase tuition fees so drastically three years ago.

“It seems logical,” she told The National Student, “now that these allegations have come to light, that this is the real justification for the tuition fee increase.

“Coming off the back of the MPs expenses scandal, we probably should have expected this.

“It seems that there is no other sensible explanation.”  

The events see shipments of the finest port, as well as red velvet cupcakes, cheese and aged Malbec arriving at Churchill’s WW2 bunker by the dead of night, according to Mugoff.  

She adds: “As well as the government using our money to fund parties with such foodstuffs that we as students can’t even dream of tasting, this revelation also shows how utterly without a care the vice chancellors of our top universities are.

“Although code names were used in the correspondence between senior government ministers and university officials, we are confident that we know the names of these individuals – and we have no qualms about releasing them imminently.

 “Also, where on Earth is the invitation for students to events such as these? I think that’s the question that many hungry (and often thirsty) students will be asking today.”

The group claims that they have photographs of the shipments arriving at Whitehall, as well as film footage that shows various port and cupcake-based events taking place inside – including a port-liqueur egg and spoon race and a partially clothed burlesque performance from a top Tory minister using icing sugar.

Investigative Student Rights is threatening to leak the images and footage online within the next week – unless the government and university vice chancellors move to put a halt to the parties and refund the money used to fund them to students in its entirety.

Documents obtained by Investigative Student Rights reveal that the “Port & Cupcake Conference 2012+” memo was put forward by the vice chancellor of a leading Russell Group institution to the government’s Higher Education Funding Rewards minister Hugo Montferry-Hodge in late 2011.

Montferry-Hodge has so far refused The National Student and Investigative Student Rights’ requests for comment - but was pictured giving journalists the middle finger as he left his £4million Knightsbridge home at 7am today.


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