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A viewer's guide to the Super Bowl

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Happy Super Bowl weekend everybody. Some will tell you The Super Bowl is just the final of the American Football season. But it’s much more than that. It’s a festival of excess, violence and Americanism. It’s like a double bacon cheeseburger with fireworks, steroids and Stallone mushed in.

Sure you may not know the heritage, the history or even the rules. But screw all that. It’s like watching a cheap zombie movie. You don’t need a comprehensive understanding of why these zombies came about. You just need to know that OH MY GOD THAT GUY HAS A GUN THAT SHOOTS CHAINSAWS.

Still, there are some things it might be worth knowing. And here they are:

Make sure you watch all the build up

You don’t need to know anything about Football to enjoy the ridiculous build up this event gets. The fireworks, the jets flying overhead, the national anthem blasting overhead. Is it silly? Of course. Is it a boatload of fun? Of course.

I mean they have an entire ceremony dedicated to the coin toss. At that stage you know you might be overplaying things a little.

Don’t worry if you aren’t watching for the game

In a recent survey, it was revealed that only 47% of viewers watch mainly for the game. 25% tune in for the adverts. You know, the stuff you normally skip in most programmes.

12% claim they only tune in for the half time show, the 15 minute concert that interrupts the game and can easily be Youtubed the next day.

Don’t be surprised if someone hates your team

There’s bound to be. Whether your team is racist (*Cough* Redskins *Cough*) or just boring as hell (I’m looking at you Cleveland Browns), someone’s bound to hold a grudge against it.

In fact, these are teams that made the AFC playoffs (sudden death rounds) this year:

The Patriots, AKA the team that’s been caught cheating by deflating the footballs before the game.

The Ravens, A.K.A the team that protected a wife beater because he was their star player.

The Colts, A.K.A the team that ditched the player that put them on the map the second he broke his neck.

The Broncos, A.K.A the team that picked up that same player and is now passively aggressively pressing him into retirement because it turns out he has the arms of an arthritic T Rex.

The Steelers (my team), A.K.A the team that has an alleged rapist at quarterback.

The Bengals…well, there’s nothing that wrong with the Bengals. But their quarterback is ginger. EWWW.

Be prepared for Innuendo

And trust me, there’ll be a lot. It’s like the entire NFL was originally planned to be a live adaptation of a Carry On movie. They have players called Tight Ends and Wide Receivers. That’s no accident.

My favourite American Football innuendo yet has to be (with one team two inches from the other’s goal line): “You need more than a couple of inches if you want to plug a hole like that.”

 




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