The 50 stages of England World Cup fever
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Football’s coming home. Again. 1) It’s the World Cup! A feast of football, with all the best players in the world! 2) This year. This year it’s England’s year. 3) We’ve got pace. We’ve got power. We’ve got youth. We’ve got Chris Smalling! 4) And Rooney! 5) And Steven Gerrard! 6) Time to prepare. Face painted. England shirt with “Heskey 10” ready to go. Just a few quick drinks before the match starts. 7) 9.32pm. Drunk. 8) How can kick off still be an hour away? 9) Line-ups in. Bold of Roy to play Milner, Welbeck and Jones in midfield. 10) “God saaaaaaavvvveee our gracious Queen, looooooonnnggg live our noooobllllee Queen...” 11) COME ON ENGLAND! 12) Three minutes in. Italy haven’t scored. This is going well. 13) CORNER! ROAAAAAAARRRRR. 14) Jagielka heads tamely into the keeper’s arms. Still an effort on target boys. 15) 20 minutes. Not much happening. Drink? 16) Rooney’s sweating like a pig in blanket. A particularly fleshy pig wrapped in several blankets. 17) Italian player falls over Milner’s leg and rolls around a bit. First round of mildly racist chanting starts. 18) Italy are actually quite good, aren’t they? 19) Fuck. Balotelli scores. This isn’t going to plan. 20) I really need a wee. 21) Two minutes of injury time. I NEED THE TOILET. 22) ARRRGGGHH! HOW LONG IS THIS QUEUE? 23) USE THE SINK IF YOU HAVE TO! 24) Sweet, sweet golden yellow relief.
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