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The 50 stages of England World Cup fever

11th June 2014
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Football’s coming home. Again.

1)      It’s the World Cup! A feast of football, with all the best players in the world!

2)      This year. This year it’s England’s year.

3)      We’ve got pace. We’ve got power. We’ve got youth. We’ve got Chris Smalling!

4)      And Rooney!

5)      And Steven Gerrard!

6)      Time to prepare.  Face painted. England shirt with “Heskey 10” ready to go. Just a few quick drinks before the match starts.

7)      9.32pm. Drunk.

8)      How can kick off still be an hour away?

9)      Line-ups in. Bold of Roy to play Milner, Welbeck and Jones in midfield.

10)   “God saaaaaaavvvveee our gracious Queen, looooooonnnggg live our noooobllllee Queen...”

11)   COME ON ENGLAND!

12)   Three minutes in. Italy haven’t scored. This is going well.

13)   CORNER! ROAAAAAAARRRRR.

14)   Jagielka heads tamely into the keeper’s arms. Still an effort on target boys.

15)   20 minutes. Not much happening. Drink?

16)   Rooney’s sweating like a pig in blanket. A particularly fleshy pig wrapped in several blankets.

17)   Italian player falls over Milner’s leg and rolls around a bit. First round of mildly racist chanting starts.

18)   Italy are actually quite good, aren’t they?

19)   Fuck. Balotelli scores. This isn’t going to plan.

20)   I really need a wee.

21)   Two minutes of injury time. I NEED THE TOILET.

22)   ARRRGGGHH! HOW LONG IS THIS QUEUE?

23)   USE THE SINK IF YOU HAVE TO!

24)   Sweet, sweet golden yellow relief.

25)   Right. Time for more beer.

26)   Roy’s made changes. Sterling and Barkley both on. We’re going for it.

27)   This is much better. We’re still not doing much, but we’re doing it much more urgently.

28)   Rooney’s shot is tipped over the bar!

29)   Now Gerrard has one saved!

30)   I wish that man would stop jumping up and blocking the screen.

31)   PENALTY! PENALTY!

32)   SEND HIM OFF REF! OFF OFF OFF OFFOFFFOFOFOFOFOFOFFFFFF!

33)   Boooooooooooooooooooo. Just a yellow.

34)   You can do this Wayne. YOU. CAN. DO. THIS.

35) YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

36)   ROOOOONEH. ROOOOOONEHHHHH. HOW I LOVE YOUR BEAUTIFUL SHREK FACE.

37)   I’m soaked in beer, sweat and probably a few other fluids too.

38)   SHOTS. LET’S DO SHOTS.

39)   Ten minutes to go. Only one team going to win this now. Come on England!

40)   Oh no.

41)   No, no, no, not there Barkley!

42)   SOMEONE BRING HIM DOWN!

43)   2-1 Italy. Lone Italians start cheering in pub.

44)   Someone throws a plastic cup full of beer at them. This is ugly.

45)   Full time. Pub is a wreck of crumpled St George’s and smeared face paint.

46)   Vindaloo by Fat Les starts playing. This is so depressing.

47)   The dream is over.

48)   Why didn’t Roy take Andy Carroll for fuck’s sake?!

49)   Still, two games to go. Don’t give up yet.

50)   What do you mean we’ve got Uruguay and Suarez next?!




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