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5 reasons why, right now, you're not getting laid

20th March 2015

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If you’ve gone out of your way to read this, chances are you are not getting laid, or you are looking to get laid more, or you’re hopelessly looking for that one true love. Well stop looking, right away. We’re not here to discuss the best ways to pull, or how to do it or where to put it. We’re here to identify why you, our reader, is in a dry spell more dehydrated than the Sahara desert. We are saying NO to chasing mirages.

These could be the reasons why you are not getting laid:

You try too hard Yes, people can tell when you’re trying too hard. You’re only focusing on that one goal, and it’s escaping you. Why? Because you don’t understand the one true mantra that is forgotten in every hopeless romantics life; ‘don’t chase them, chase your dreams, then they will follow.’ Chase after what is important to you; your goals, the gym, Britain’s got Talent audition… whatever, a hard work ethic is sexy, a hell of a lot sexier than clinging to the bar of a club every Wednesday night trying to hand yourself out to any half-attractive person that stumbles into your view.

You go out of your way to find someone

You’re constantly popping up on people’s Facebook chats with small talk; “Heyyy, how are you?”, “I like your Profile Pic, you got Whatsapp?” or you’re Snap Chatting suggestive pictures of your crotch, or you’re doing something distasteful like that (I don’t want to go further on that point). This has to stop. It’s odd to think, but the more you ignore someone the more they demand your attention. The moment they see that you’re starting to become successful is the moment they’ll start popping onto your Facebook chat. So stop bugging people.

You’re not looking after yourself

You’re spending too much time going out drinking to try and get laid, or sitting behind a computer screen or swiping left/right to various Tinder potentials. Go and exercise, or go and study, or go and do something that keeps your life interesting. Intelligence, health and hobbies get the people you desire attracted. Display a keen interest to develop yourself, and you’ll notice the improvements. This leads us onto…

You’re simply too boring

That’s right. You’re too busy poking your Social Media nose into everyone else’s life that you don’t actually do anything for yourself. You don’t have any hobbies, or any new interests, you’re not going anywhere, you’re just well… boring.

You’re going for everyone and everything

You’re the reputed equivalent of a pissed off camel; getting your saliva on just about anyone within a two metre radius of you. This needs to stop. A bad reputation at University can be a killer, you won’t be attractive to anybody if you’re going for everyone. Don’t be a camel, well… at least not a pissed off one.

You’re not comfortable being alone

You just want someone there. You’re not comfortable with yourself. It’s that old cliché; ‘You have to love yourself before you can love anyone else’, well it’s true… sort of.

Please don’t sue me if none of these work.

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