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Everything That Sucks About: Donald Trump


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Everything That Sucks About is back. In this second series of ETSA we’ve moved across the pond from British politics to stare into the infinite void of disappointment that is the 2016 US election field.

Donald TrumpToday we’re looking at:

Donald Trump – billionaire, whackjob, awful person.

Remember when Trump was funny?

It was great. You could just give him a topic to talk about, kick back and enjoy the fireworks. Sure, it was a guilty pleasure but so is watching people hurt themselves on YouTube, and don’t tell me you’ve never done that.

Besides, it’s not like Trump could actually win. Right? Right?

Well, it’s December and he’s still leading the Republican field with 36% across the polls. And considering the nearest Republican to him is 20 points behind and suffers from a fatal case of being Ted Cruz, that’s not good.

Alas, Trump isn’t just a guilty pleasure anymore. How can something so clearly supposed to be a novelty turn out so evil? It’s like finding out your vuvuzela wants to join the Klu Klux Klan.

Donald Trump is many things. A businessman. A hotelier. Walking, talking evidence that humanity frequently rewards the worst parts of its species.

He is simultaneously an entertaining buffoon and a terrifying nutjob. It’s like he’s the love child of Boris Johnson and Charles Manson.

Actually, it’s more like someone tried to clone Boris Johnson but screwed up:

“Okay, team. Let’s clone us a Bo Jo. What ingredients have we got? Hair that looks like a patchwork quilt of different roadkill? Check. More money than God? Check. Lovable personality? Oh. Do we NEED that?”

If we want to cover EVERYTHING that sucks about Donald Trump we need to get going.

Beginning with:


On the one hand Trump’s positions don’t matter at all. He clearly makes them up on the spot. He repeatedly contradicts himself. He never goes into detail.

Guess how often Politifact, a website dedicated to ranking everything politicians say on a scale of “True” to “Pants on Fire”, has Donald Trump telling the truth? 70% of the time? 50% of the time? 25% of the time.

0 per cent. ZERO. When you do as many interviews as Donald Trump how can you not at least stumble into the truth once? He must have had to answer a simple question at some point:

“Hey, Don what’s the time?”

“Umm, 9PM”.

“Are you sure? It’s sunny outside.”


On the other hand, Trump’s positions matter immensely. He’s on the brink of winning the nomination of the Republicans, one of only two major American parties. If he gets the nomination he’s got roughly a 50/50 shot. And he’s only getting worse.

Of course, the headline policy of the Trump election has become wanting to ban new Muslims from entering the country. Just like it says in the constitution!

Trump’s Muslim policy (because all the best people have a “Muslim policy”) is so wacko even shouty Fox News nutjob Bill O’Reilly has been like: “Dude, the fuck.”

Trump also wants to build a wall on the Mexican border. And just assumes Mexico will pay for it. You know, because of… reasons.

On top of that he doesn’t believe in man-made climate change, he’s against abortion and he refuses to accept America has a problem with mass shootings. With most politicians that would be the stuff we attacked them for.

But with Trump it’s as good as he gets. Going after Trump for those would be like criticising ugly wallpaper in a burning building.


To his credit, Trump doesn’t really pander.

So in the place of the pandering section here’s just list of things Trump has said that would have got any other candidate kicked out of the race, exiled from politics and forced to go whittle figurines in a cabin by a lake:

  • Announcing he wants to ban an entire religion from entering the country.
  •  Saying he’ll threaten the Pope.
  • Implying John McCain isn’t a war hero because he got caught by the enemy.
  • Did we mention he wants to ban any Muslims from entering the country?
  • Implying a journalist (well, Megan Kelly so nearly a journalist) only asked him tough questions because she had PMS.
  • Claiming the Iran Nuclear Deal is a step towards the apocalypse.
  • Saying most Mexican immigrants are “criminals” and “rapists”.
You’ve gotta hand it to him, Trump covers his bases. We haven’t heard such a diverse collection of batshit-insane ideas since that we spoke to that homeless schizophrenic on the tube.

Oh, and he spent years doubting the President is actually American. We left that off because any Republican could have done that and only got more love from their party.

Petty Stuff:

It’s Donald Trump. Donald Trump. The guy from The Apprentice. The guy who sues so often he may as well live in the courthouse. The guy who stamps everything he owns with his surname because: humility, what’s that?

You’d think the Republicans would have learned after Mitt Romney that the country doesn’t want to elect a cruel, unfeeling billionaire. What are Trump’s election ads going to say:

“Hi I’m living, breathing piece of trash Donald Trump. Remember the rich, unlikable dude my side picked last time. The guy who got torn apart in the election. Well, I’m EVEN richer and EVEN MORE unlikable. Just try to look at me without gagging. You can’t can you?”

Actually, I miss Romney. Mitt Romney was boring. Mitt Romney was the safe kind of asshole. Not like Trump.

If Romney and Trump played each other at chess, Romney would spend hours reading strategy books and setting up the pieces and angling the board just right. Then Trump would eat him.

The Republicans have gone from Mormon to moron.

Let’s hope America gives Trump the same treatment it gave Romney.

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