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Everything That Sucks About: The Lib Dems

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Welcome to Everything That Sucks About, the series that takes each political party and points out all the biggest the problems, idiots and gaffes associated with them.

We’ll do each party, so don’t get upset if we rip the piss out of the one you like.

Just take some deep breaths and we’ll be mocking someone you hate before you know it.

This time we’re doing: 

The Liberal Democrats

Nick Clegg

I’m going to admit it. I REALLY like a lot of what the Lib Dems say. But liking what the Lib Dems say is a bit like liking a calendar of puppies in cute costumes. It doesn’t mean you should go out and buy a dog. Because in reality they shit everywhere and run into the sunset everytime you trust them without the lead.

The desperation of the Lib Dems is clear. They’ve had a brief glimpse of significance and are going to cling onto it even if it rips every fingernail out of their hands. You feel bad for them, they’re like an Andrex puppy that got too old for ads. I feel my mocking them is almost a kindness, like I’m taking them behind the shed with a shotgun in one hand and a shovel in the other. “No Ma, the Lib Dems are my party, I’ll do it”.

And no, I don’t know why I keep bringing up dogs either. Let’s just start with: 

The Leader

Oh Nick Clegg. I remember when everyone loved you. You killed it in the public eye. You were the heartthrob of a nation. You were the Johnny Wilkinson of 2011.

But then you entered a coalition with the Tories and the rest is sad, sad history. Nick Clegg’s career fits that of the tragic hero, raised up through his hard work but brought crashing down by one fatal flaw. In this case the desire to live 2ft up David Cameron’s asshole.

It’s like your favourite dildo, a lot less appealing after you’ve had to share it. 

The Voters

Hang on, hang on. There’s a typo in the title.

The Voter

There we go. Clive’s alright, I guess. 

Policies

Again, there’s a lot to like here. A sensible education plan, some care for the environment, decriminalising drug possession. They even have a tax code copy and pasted from Labour, presumably in the vain hope Miliband will play with them.

And I like the idea of rolling out superfast broadband to the entire countryside, even if only so farmers can watch porn and realise its unusual to date your cousin.

And I love their foreign policy. Specifically the part that goes “Hey, let’s not sell weapons to the countries we know will use them for human rights violations”.

But there are also a few laws clearly just there as a lazy attempt to win back the youth vote. “Hey kids, sorry about the whole saddling you with debt and all that but look… cheap bus fares for 16-21 year olds. No? How about giving 16-year-olds the vote? Please vote for us. I’ll do the thing I said only whores do.” 

Their Record

Of course, no discussion of the Lib Dems is complete without a look at what they did in power.

Clegg will be very quick to point out that they actually effected an awful lot of their promises while in power. Like their pledge to sell out to the highest bidder. And their stern promise to never compromise on their principle of always comprising.

And, you knew this was coming, but here it is regardless. THOSE. FUCKING. TUITION. FEES.

They make everything in Clegg’s mouth sound hollow. Quite an impressive feat considering how many thick, meaty, non-hollow objects Clegg will have to put I his mouth just save his seat.

 

 

That brings our Everything That Sucks About series to an end. I hope you’ve enjoyed it. All the articles can be reached by going to the top of the page and clicking “View all by this author”. Though I’m not sure I’m an author. “View all by this writer of cheap gags and the word fuck” maybe.

I’m not going to tell you how I’m voting today, though you can probably glean the ballpark by reading all these articles over. But make sure that you do vote for someone. I mean, I can’t tell you what to do. But go on. For me. I’ll love you forever.




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