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Everything That Sucks About: The Green Party


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Welcome to Everything That Sucks About, the series that takes each political party and points out all the biggest the problems, idiots and gaffes associated with them.

We’ll do each party, so don’t get upset if we rip the piss out of the one you like.

Just take some deep breaths and we’ll be mocking someone you hate before you know it.

This time we’re doing: 

The Green Party

Natalie Bennett

If politics were a classroom The Green Party would be the amiable "special" kid eating Pritt Stick in the corner. He means well, and does seem to want the best for people. Which makes you feel all the worse for pointing out he’s shat himself.

The Green Party have lots of interesting ideas. Decriminalising drugs, decriminalising prostitution, getting rid of the Monarchy. These are all ideas I could get behind. That and a foreign policy that effectively boils down to, “Stop giving money to countries that treat human rights abuse like Jamaica treats the 100 metres”, make them a pretty likable party.

But you’re not here for positivity or sensible constructive criticism. So let’s turn to the fun part. And the good news is the Greens have more skeletons packed into their closet than an Idi Amin themed fetish club.

Starting with: 

The Leader

Every interviewer’s favourite walking PR disaster Natalie Bennett.

Yes, this Aussie manages to screw up every interview she gives in 60 seconds flat. It’s unbelievable. Listening to Bennett for 60 seconds is like listening to an episode of Just A Minute where the category is bullshit.

If you haven’t heard her getting mauled on LBC or crushed on Daily Politics I suggest you hit Youtube now.

Most politicians either escape car crash interviews mostly unharmed or die in them and are never heard from again. Natalie Bennett just barely survived her car crash and is now limping around leaving a trail of blood and inviting voters to help pick up her guts. 

The Voters

There are two main-types here. The gentle, hippy or hipster (generation dependant) crew. They’re great to get high, and discuss the nature of love, with. Whether you take their idealistic outlook to the polls is up to you.

The other type is the angry-activist type. While passion is great thing when it comes to politics (says the man spending hours writing about why each party is shit), they can get a little grating at times, mainly when they’re implying most men are one listen of 'Blurred Lines' away from becoming rapists.

Still, I’m glad they’re passionate about something that matters. Hell, I wish I had their passion for something important rather than which American Footballer can smash skull-first through a D-Line the fastest. 

The Policies

Again, there are some big issues where it’s hard to disagree with the Greens. Treating drug addiction like an illness rather than a crime makes levels of sense that no other party is going for. And the sooner we kick the Queen out of that palace the sooner we can turn The Mall into a mall and Buckingham Palace into a Strip Club. Lord knows its gaudy enough.

But that’s not to say there isn’t a boatload of nonsense in there. The flagship economic policy, to give out a set £72 Citizen’s Income, has been disavowed by the very trust that suggested it. because it would end up hitting the poor the hardest.

They also pledge to build no new airports. Because the ones we have NEVER get congested. They also want to bring in tighter controls about drinking on planes. There goes the libertarian vote you courted by decriminalising drug and prostitution. I didn’t know that mid-air drunkenness is SUCH an issue that it deserves a nod in a manifesto. Where do the other parties stand on this issue? Will the Tories let me do body shots off a stewardess, or do I need a Labour government? I know whether or not you’re allowed drink on planes shouldn’t affect ones voting intentions. But there’s no way I’m flying RyanAir sober. They should let all their customers rail blow off their tray tables. AND I’M LEAVING IT DOWN FOR TAKE-OFF AND LANDING. FUCK THE SYSTEM.

And not to harp on this issue but maybe the reason you get mid-air rage isn’t booze’s fault so much as the fact people have to queue for hours, get fingered by security and shell out for extra baggage space just to get into a 10,000 mile an hour death machine.

They also seem to suggest that women should face less jail time for the same crimes as men:

CJ381 Recognising the nature of the female prison population, with high levels of mental illness, experience of being a victim of crimes such as sexual assault and domestic violence, and caring responsibilities for children, the only women who should be in custody are those very few that commit serious and violent crimes and who present a threat to the public.

While never explicitly saying this couldn’t be applied to men too, it seems strange to specify that the policy applies to women if it were for both genders. And this policy seems like someone I would like if it was applied to both genders.

And finally, they don’t seem to have any idea about how they’re going to fund all their policies. Or any of them. Two fully paid years off for new parents sounds nice. But unless Natalie Bennett starts bootlegging copies of her disastrous interviews, there isn’t the cash.

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