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Everything That Sucks About: The Conservative Party


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Welcome to Everything That Sucks About, the series that takes each political party and points out all the biggest the problems, idiots and gaffes associated with them.

We’ll do each party, so don’t get upset if we rip the piss out of the one you like. Just take some deep breaths and we’ll be mocking someone you hate before you know it.

This time we’re doing...

The Conservative Party

David Cameron

Ah yes, the Conservatives. Traditionally the enemy of student voters, they now poll exactly the same.

Genuinely, a survey of over 13,000 prospective student voters showed both (Cons and Labour) are expected to claim about 31% of the demographic.

Have the Conservative Party become more youth friendly? Do people not care about tuition fees? Is David Cameron giving blowjobs, festival tickets and lines of MD for student votes?

Well, having raised these compelling questions it’s time to… completely ignore it and just slag off the Tories. Starting with: 

The Leader

The incredible talking chinpile; David Cameron. Roll up, roll up and watch his incredible weight fluxuations. From killer whale, all the way down to… I dunno… like a smaller whale.

Apparently, D.C. is the guy that voters think is the most statesmanlike. Why? Do we have a sudden, newfound respect for bobbleheads? He’s a lump that fell through a tailor, then fell face first through a buffer, then fell into a hairdresser and asked them to give him the most politician looking haircut imaginable.

If you want to vote Tory, by all means vote Tory. But don’t do it just because you think this pink, awkward, love child of Hugh Grant and Mitt Romney is the statesman this country deserves. 

The Gaffes

The Tories have run a pretty clean campaign so far. At least that’s what Grant Shapps’s Wikipedia page says. After all, who doesn’t forget what football team they support?

I’ve been to two Aston Villa games in my life and I distinctly remember forgetting who I was supporting and shouting “Go”. Maybe streakers are just fans who blank on what’s happening and think they’re at an orgy.

The Conservatives started their election drive with a conscious effort to avoid negative campaigning. Then they decided "fuck it" and started telling everyone an SNP-Labour coalition would lead to Nicola Sturgeon riding around on the back of Ed Miliband kicking everyone not in a kilt in their naughty bits. Like DC the company, our leader D.C. doesn’t translate his product well to screen.

Still, one candidate did manage to fuck up WONDERFULLY. Chamili Fernando, your Conservative Parliamentary candidate for Cambridge, has some helpful ideas for the mentally disabled.  Wrist bands for people with mental disorders.

Okay, that’s so dumb I have a whole list of jokes:

Do the paranoid have to wear them? Because those bands are a TOTAL clash with those tinfoil hats.

The mentally insane already have an item of clothing that singles them out… a UKIP rosette.

Do people with multiple-personality have to wear a shit-ton of bands?

Good news people with social anxiety, we’ve found a way to single you out and draw attention to you.

It’s a good thing that man dressed as Napoleon, drinking his own piss has a wristband on. I’d never have guessed he was odd.

I think we can call Chamili Fernando’s career over now. Have election prospects have fallen apart faster than a leper in a wind tunnel.

Oh, and by the way. It’s not a big thing but, if you’re going to put campaign posters up get them within 100 miles of the correct location.

Charlotte Haitham Taylor managed to place her election poster 150 miles outside her constituency. Jesus. 150 miles wrong. Even Apple Maps won’t get you that lost. 

The Policies

Pledging £8 billion for the NHS is nice. It’s a shame that they have no idea how they’re going to fund it! If you didn’t catch George Osbourne’s painful attempts to avoid answering how he wants to cost this, YouTube it.  Fuck, turn it into a drinking game. If you hate the Tories drink a shot of Vodka everytime he dodges the question. If you like the Tories eyeball a yard of Absinthe and bang your head against the table until you faint.

They also plan to phase out any subsidies for onshore wind farms. Phasing out wind farms may not sound that beneficial to the environment but don’t worry, they plan to balance it out by building HS2 and HS3 (yeah, I’d never even heard of HS3 but apparently it’s a whole other thing). Still, their plans can’t be that bad for the environment. What’s that? They also promise to spend more money on roads than any other administration since the 1970s. Plus they pledge to spend the most money on railways since the Victorians.

Talking of Victorian, the Conservatives want to get rid of the Human Rights Act. Because apparently ensuring prisoners don’t get to vote is a top priority. Yeah, those people sitting in tiny rooms taking it in turns to be sodomised aren’t suffering enough.

People seem to assume that giving prisoners the vote is the same as letting them run the country. Letting prisoners spent two minutes every five years crossing a ballot rather won’t cut into their important toilet wine brewing duties, and it won’t affect the country so just let them do it.

Did someone say “Nasty Party”?


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