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Everything That Sucks About: Labour


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Welcome to Everything That Sucks About, the series that takes each political party and points out all the biggest the problems, idiots and gaffes associated with them.

We’ll do each party, so don’t get upset if we rip the piss out of the one you like. Just take some deep breaths and we’ll be mocking someone you hate before you know it.

This time we’re doing: 


Ed Miilband

Okay, now we’re getting into the real parties. And somehow when they mess up it’s much worse.

Parties like the Greens can have crazy policies because, at the end of the day, they have less power than Miss Universe. When Labour make a blunder we end up sending people to the desert to look for WMDs Bush could have sworn he saw.

Don’t get me wrong, I’d much rather keep taking potshots at UKIP than have to read through Labour’s mainly sensible manifesto. And no one gives a fuck if you slam UKIP.

But you make a jab at Labour or the Tories you can expect thousands of angry CAPS LOCKED comments and hate tweets.

Just know that I have a pet internet troll at my 24 hour disposal. Having said that, let’s get started with:


The Leader

Everyone’s second favourite Miliband brother, Ed Miliband.

In a world where most politicians are robots, Ed is C3PO.  Prissy, awkward and constantly out of his depth. I know he impressed everyone with his big “I’m tough enough” reply to his Paxman grilling. But really, what was he going to say? “Nah, your right. Guess I’m not tough enough to run the country. Now let me lick your shoes Paxo.”

And by the way, can we make Ed Miliband eating a bacon sandwich an annual event? I think we should put up stands, televise it and place bets on how he’ll fuck it up this time.

Not that he doesn’t get a LOT of unfair criticism. Anyone who says they can’t vote for Labour purely because of him must have mixed up their morning orange juice with bleach.

And every paper to the left of The Guardian has a mean nickname for him. Red Ed, Ed Really-Bland and, probably the worst attempt at a nickname ever, Ed Sillyband. Really, that’s the best you could do? Ed SillyBand? It’s not even insulting, he just sounds like a terrible politics themed children’s entertainer. Unless the insult was that you couldn’t even be arsed to put more than five seconds into insulting him.

Of course I’d rather Harriet Harman was the leader. Or Yvette Cooper. Or David Miliband. Or a steaming dung heap with a smiley face sticker on it. Hell I’d rather have the bacon sandwich. It’s provided more of a challenge to Miliband than any of the opposition leaders. But really you’re being asked to see his face in the papers a bit, not father a brood of kids with him.

The Gaffes

There’s still plenty of campaigning left to go and there have already been enough Labour gaffes to make Malcom Tucker piss blood. Admittedly none as bad as when Gordon Brown straight up called an old lady a “bigot” behind her back. But still…

First up we had the whole pink bus debacle, when Labour decided the only way to connect to female voters was to send Harriet Harman on a roadtrip in a vajazzled van. And as if that wasn’t condescending enough, it had “Woman to Woman” written on the side… which does kinda sound like the tagline from a tampon ad. I can’t wait until Labour try and pander to male voters by renting out The Bang Bus. I just hope the side says “Woman on Woman” instead.

Labour followed this up by printing their policies on mugs, including the “controls on Immigration”. You know what? No-one wants a mug with political policies on. I don’t care how much you think VAT should be, don’t put it on something

And especially, I can’t stress this enough, people don’t want a mug that has immigration policy on it. You know how to ruin a Sunday morning? Having a four hour debate about immigration with your flatmate, because neither of you know how to back down.

Plus that video from 2011 where Ed Miliband just repeats himself over and over is trending again. I know it’s not technically a recent gaffe but it’s being spread faster than the clap at a sex addiction clinic.

The Policies

I’m not a fan of Labour’s plan to “give to 16 and 17 year olds the vote”. First of all, if you’re giving 16-year-olds the vote then you don’t have to explain you’re giving it to 17-year-olds too. Secondly, most people (myself included) were definitely too dumb to vote at 16.

They also want to get rid of the badger cull. Because you know what rocks? TB.

Labour also wants to bring in a policy that would make illegal any discrimination and abuse against soldiers. This is a tough one. The discrimination part I’m TOTALLY behind. So much that I didn’t just hit caps lock a couple of times for that “totally”. I held down the shift key for the entire word.

My point is no one should be allowed to discriminate against someone who fought for this country. They’ve done what most of us have only ever done on C.O.D. But the abuse apart I can just see being used to punish dumb teens on the internet, who make one shitty post to Facebook and go to jail for. And it’s so unnecessary. If there’s any group who don’t care if you call them a dick on the internet it’s probably the guys who know what it looks like to see someone die.

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