Everything that sucks about: UKIP
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Welcome to ‘Everything That Sucks About’, the series that takes each political party and points out all the biggest the problems, idiots and gaffes associated with them. We’ll do each party, so don’t get upset if we rip the piss out of the one you like. Just take some deep breaths and we’ll be mocking someone you hate before you know it. This time we’re doing: UKIP Okay, I’ll admit it. I’ve been looking forward to this one. Beating up on a party like the Greens is like roundhouse kicking a toddler. Easy, but it does leave you feeling a bit guilty. Beating up on UKIP is more like roundhouse kicking toddler Hitler. Yeah, it’s easy but come on… you want to. I’ll also admit that there isn’t going to be time for EVERYTHING that sucks about UKIP. So let’s just get started with: The Leader Enoch Powell. I mean, Nigel Farage. This man is actually far more like Mitt Romney, a wealthy man desperately pretending to be normal while knowing that most of his fanbase are racists. The difference is Farage is a level of hypocrite Mitt Romney could only wet dream of. His rhetoric revolves around stopping low-skilled immigration. Yet he employs his German wife as a secretary. Oh yes, I’m sure being Nigel Farage’s secretary is SOOOO high skilled. Jesus, just hand him his hate mail in the mornings (might take a few trips) and then go about your day. He denounces expenses, yet claims as much money as he can from the state. He’s “The voice of Ordinary Britons”, but is a privately-educated, former banker. Unlike Mitt Romney, Nige does have a personality. It’s just a shame that that personality is shit. It’s like Mitt went to see the Wizard of Oz about his lack of character, patiently queued while the Tin Man got a heart and the Scarecrow a brain, reached the front and was given a penis to attach to his forehead. On a pettier level, he has a bizarre rubbery face that can only take on the caricatures of expressions. He’s either beaming, in which case he has a wide-open smile that looks like he’s about to give a toothy blowjob, or he has a grimace that gives him more chins than a melted John Goodman wax model. The Members Of course, it’s hardly fair to dismiss an entire party because of a few bad eggs. But there’s so many bad eggs in UKIP I’m starting to wonder if there’s something wrong with the chicken. There’s so much to say here in so little space. There’s the guy who blamed England’s flooding on gay marriage. Which is A) homophobic in the extreme and B) shows a fundamental misunderstanding of gay relationships. I mean surely, if the aftermath of any part of a gay relationship that can cause a sudden, unwanted release of murky liquid it’s not the marriage. There’s also William Henwood, who suggested that Lenny Henry move to a “black country”. There’s Gerard Batten, the Party Whip who believes the UK should ban the building of mosques. There’s William Griffiths who reacted to the death of Nelson Mandela by claiming some people are “intended by nature” to be slaves. There’s local council candidate James Elgar who hijacked #ThingsAsianBoysDo to claim Asians obsessively rape, stab and rob white people. It’s okay though, his father told the media that his son can’t be racist because that same night he had “a curry”. My favourite one is the candidate for Coventry South who once ran for election in Wales on the platform that the Welsh flag should be changed because it’s “Satanic”. Oh yes, I remember that level on Spiro where you have draw a pentagram in virgin blood. If you’re going to call Wales “Satanic” how about pointing out that everyone there seems to speak in tongues? The Voters Flat Earthers, People who think The Moon is a spotlight, next to no young people, closeted racists, less closeted racists, flat-out open racists. Oh, and of course the woman who blames her disliking of black people on “a past life”. Oh, I see. So if someone was, say, on welfare and unable to get a job THAT would be their own fault. But your racial prejudices, don’t worry about it… it’s just a past life. Nothing you could do about it. The Policies First of all, their MEPs immediately vote against any decisions the EU makes. You might think that once they were in they’d at least try to improve the system they claim to hate. But no, they don’t even rock up most of the time. And when they do, they vote against EVERYTHING. They voted against legislation designed to prevent money laundering. They voted against MEPs having to publish which lobbyists they’ve met. The voted against safer cab designs that would make it easier for taxis to see cyclists. I drive, I know cyclists suck but voting against their safety seems a little unnecessary. Hell, I’m pretty sure UKIP would vote against puppies and rainbows if the EU suggested it. They also want to abolish the Department of Energy and Climate Change and repeal the Climate Change Act. Weirdly though they do want to subsidise organic food. So at least we can all enjoy natural marrows while watching the world melting. They also want to get rid of the Department of International Development and the Department of Culture, Media and Sport. So that should serve to piss off anyone who likes Sport. Or Media. Or Culture. And I know UKIP have had their problems with the BBC, which says rather more about UKIP than the BBC, but reducing its funding by around two thirds just seems petty. I know you guys think a journalist making a passing joke on HIGNIFY is the same as a declaration of war but come on. You can’t just withhold everyone’s money until they do what you want. You’re not a dominatrix.