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Everything That Sucks About: The SNP


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Welcome to Everything That Sucks About, the series that takes each political party and points out all the biggest the problems, idiots and gaffes associated with them.

We’ll do each party, so don’t get upset if we rip the piss out of the one you like. Just take some deep breaths and we’ll be mocking someone you hate before you know it.

This time we're doing:


These guys matter. According to who you believe they’re either going to save the UK or destroy it. They’re either the best thing since sliced bread or the worst thing since cubed spam. They’re either the second coming or Beverly Hill Chihuahuas 2. But they matter. So, should we be readying the party poppers or prepping for the apocalypse? Or both, if you’re one of the 90% of people that secretly kinda want a zombie apocalypse to happen? Well, let’s take a look at:

The Leader

Nicola Sturgeon. “The most dangerous woman in Britain”. Supposedly. I mean, not really. Probably any murderer is more dangerous. Or like, a crazy person. You can probably get on the bus with her is my point.

Yet so many people are trying to turn her into Britain’s biggest threat. Some have even looked through her past and discovered that *gasp* she once cut the hair off her sister’s doll. Here’s a hint guys, unless she hacked the hair off her sister it’s not a scandal. My action men were too busy not having arms or legs to worry about their shlid.

And turning her into a bogeyman is silly because her appearance is so not threatening. If a Who left Whoville, fucked an unconvincing 1950s perm and raised the child in front of a rolling DVD of Braveheart, that child would be our Nicky S.

Amongst those who aren’t trying to portray her as the love child of Hitler and a pint of Irn-Bru, Sturgeon is this election’s sweetheart. But to be fair, Nick Clegg was last election’s sweetheart. And we all remember how that went, don’t we?

Super Alex Salmond Bonus Round

Usually I only go after one. But for the SNP we also need to consider their other leader: Alex Salmond. Hang on, I forgot his middle names. Alex Charming As A Touchy Uncle At A Wedding Salmond. It’s no coincidence that as soon as Alex stepped aside the SNP got wicked popular.

Having said that, everyone attacking him for joking about writing Labour’s manifesto could do with taking a Chill Pill, followed by a Calm The Fuck Down Injection. If that doesn’t work, call me. My foot doubles as a Shut The Fuck Up Suppository. It was a cheap gag guys. Shut the fuck up.

The Policies

The SNP aren’t specifically promising an independence referendum on Scotland in this cycle. However, they do say they “will always support independence”. Yeah, no shit. They are a NATIONAL party. For the SCOTTISH. A SCOTTISH NATIONAL Party if you will.

And we all know “will always support independence” means, will push for a referendum all day and all night if in power. Still, that’s enough about referendums. What other views to the SNP have?

Well, the SNP oppose a referendum on membership of the EU. Wait, wait, wait, HUH? FUCKIN’ HUH? So let me get this straight - it’s okay to push for a retry of a referendum that happen half a year ago, but not one that was held in 1975?

Full disclosure, I’m pro-Europe and pro-European referendum. I want us to stay in but we probably should have a vote on it. You know, what with this being a democracy and all that. Hell, I wasn’t against the Scottish referendum. But come on. You’re already hinting at Scots Go Indy 2.0. Movie sequels take longer than this.

Again, I liked the idea of a Scottish referendum. I like the idea of an EU referendum. But you know what I really liked? The AV referendum. The one that tried to make democracy a tad more democratic. Sure it was about the worst manifestation of PR. And all the No campaign had to do was say “coalition” (Because fuck, first past the post could never lead to a coalition) and the Yes campaign collapsed faster than Wilson the volleyball in that deleted scene where Tom Hanks tries to fuck him. Still, it was something.

But my team lost. And I have to accept that AV isn’t wanted, and that the YES blokes don’t deserve another go on Tuesday. No one’s suggesting the Patriots and the Seahawks replay the Superbowl just because Pete Carroll had a stroke and decided he wanted to play catch with half a minute left on the clock.

How is it fair that the fuck ups of the people push for YES on AV take off the table any referendum on all the infinite varieties of proportional representation? It isn’t. But it’s also not fair to push another referendum right after the first one because you didn’t get the result you wanted.

Is it possible, just possible, that when 55% of Scotland voted AGAINST independence, they might not be a fan of independence?

Fuck it, I’m just going to smash my keyboard for a bit: YJH6MMMM MMMU UHJI09999999999999999996G TRDRT OESYJUH5BG FDCCCCCGBFVHJM

*Ahem* Asides from that their manifesto is… I dunno, fine. I guess. Whatever. I can’t be arsed. I’m over my word limit anyway. Fuck this shit.

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