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Five things we hope happen in the Clegg/Farage debate

26th March 2014

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Britain’s two favourite politicians (after Michael Gove and Ed Balls of course) go head to head tonight in a live radio debate about whether Britain should remain in the EU. OH YES. Exciting isn’t it?

It’s the bruiser from the boozer vs the student slayer on the radio tonight. But will Nigel Farage and Nick Clegg actually say what they really think? Here are five things we hope happen in tonight’s live debate.

The new coalition

Much is being made of the differences between Clegg and Farage. One wants in Europe, one wants out of Europe. One is anti-immigration, one is pro-immigration. However, no one is talking about the similarities between Nick ‘n’ Nige. Both attended public schools. Both have European wives and both hate David Cameron.

So instead of focusing on the differences, what if our two noble political titans suddenly decided to get it on, forget all about the nasty Tories and create one super political party to beat them all? The UK Liberals has a lovely ring to it.

Comedy sound effects play havoc with their speeches

You just know that most of this debate is going to be extremely boring. Both sides will stick to the point’s they’re trying to make while shouting down the other. Both will interrupt a lot and neither will actually address any of the important issues.

So, what if radio host Nick Ferrari decided to play a few comedy sound effects just to liven things up? For example, every time Farage says “EU fat cats”, we get to hear the sound of slurping followed by a satisfied “miaooooooowww”. Every time Nick Clegg says “coalition”, we hear pantomime booing. And if someone should dare utter the words “Michael Gove”, we’d all love to hear a chorus of “WANKER”.

Celebrity hecklers

Forget politeness and manners – we want hecklers and lots of them. An audience made up of Boris Johnson, Katie Hopkins, Charlie Brooker, Joey Essex and Frankie Boyle should provide enough variation to keep everyone happy.

Their desert island discs

Sod the debate, let’s find out if either has updated their iPods. Last time out Nick Clegg chose Johnny Cash, David Bowie, Radiohead and, er, Shakira. Sadly the world is still waiting to hear what gets Nigel Farage funking on the dancefloor.

Failing that, some actual, real-life important questions

Rather than focusing on political point scoring, trying to make each other look bad and patronising the public, wouldn’t it be great if each asked the other some actual serious questions?

So maybe Clegg could ask Nigel Farage whether he shares Gerard Batten’s (UKIP’s chief whip) view that British Muslims sign up to a special code of conduct promising not to be violent, or what he would do with the 2.2million Britons who live in Europe if we pulled out of the EU?

Maybe the UKIP leader could finally ask Nick Clegg whether he ever truly believed in opposing plans to increase student tuition fees?  And just exactly how will the coalition help the near one million young people not in education or employment to get help and improve their lives? That might actually get an audience.

Nigel Farage and Nick Clegg’s debate is live on LBC Radio and Sky News at 7pm today.

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