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Comment: My top three most hated gig goers

15th August 2012

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I've come a long way since I saw Jamelia perform at the Olympic Torch Concert in 2004. A road on which I've lost all senses to Foals, tapped my feat to The xx, danced on stage with The Drums, crowd surfed to Bloc Party and screamed exasperatingly back at Alex Turner all the way to a certain band's reunion show at Heaton Park last month. 

However within the sweat pits of those indie havens, arenas or fields lurk a certain kind of person whom I despise; a kind which I'm increasingly finding easier to spot as they try to ruin my nights entertainment, leaving me wondering if I'm slowly but surely becoming one of those grumps at the back. 

So here you have it, my top three most hated gig-goers. I should point out though that I will almost certainly have been all of three of the below at some stage in my gigging life so far.

The Liam Gallagher Wannabe

How Anyone could want to base their life on this man is beyond me. An arrogant, obnoxious tit in a fisherman hat who's still trying to rip-off his once overrated band within which all he did was pose with a hollow tambourine, storm off stage and offer out fights. But still people do, and my God were they out in force at Heaton Park! I must have stuck out like a sore thumb with my old 'X-City' raincoat (No, I haven't heard of it either. Probably vintage) in the Parka infested mud bath. But hey, guess what? It kept me dry from the piss and beer which these moranic meatheads insist on showering down on us for a hundredth of the price. 

The Ballad Moshers

Everybody loves a good ol' mosh now and then, myself included, but clearly some want to make a profession out of it. These people are incapable of appreciating music. After I've tired out to I Bet You Look Good... or Like Eating Glass, I hardly fancy some topless jock in colouful shades putting his sweating arms on me as he tries to orchestrate another as Turner or Kele lullaby us with Cornerstone or This Modern Love. Worse are those who think they have somehow gained authority over a mosh pit and quickly throw brave teenagers who have even dared to try and enjoy themselves aside. Try asking them their views on the set list. They probably couldn't even name the band. But the worst I've seen is without doubt the man stood in front of me at an xx gig who decided the party had well and truly started the moment there was even a hint of a drum line. When he realised he wasn't going to get a reaction, he settled for continuously jabbing his arm in the air whilst I got the taste of his shampoo.

Those stuck in the past

Never are these people more prevalent than at an Arctic Monkeys' gig. Possibly my favourite current band, I love all four albums in their own differing rights. I've watched my heroes mature and righfully not attempt to recycle their first album success like a lot of bands (Coldplay and The Killers, I'm looking at you.) It seems, however that there are a lot of Monkey's "fans" who would rather they had. Yes, that first album was incredible and means a lot to so many, but surely even then you can appreciate that at an exclusive Humbug show they will not be playing When The Sun Goes Down. Yes? So why are you shouting for it? Then when their toils miraculously do not work, they resort to being either or both of the above as they try to balance this with telling Mr Turner to get a hair cut (back then, of course). 

So there you have it, well done if you've stuck out my cynicism thus far and you're probably now wondering if I've ever enjoyed a gig. I have. Foals at Heaven in 2009; best night of my life and thankfully free of the above. 

But enough from me, what are your pet hates on such nights? And if you fancy sharing with us some of your worst gig-going memories all the better. Maybe throw in some good ones too to lighten the mood. 

Anyway, I'm now off to write about how wonderful you all are before the Grumpy Old Men producers call twenty years to soon. 

Ta ra. 

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