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Meet Artex Monkey

1st January 2010

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Artex MonkeyWhat are you?
Am a musical fernomenom, so mi mam tells mi an shiz allus reight mi mam.

Why are you?
Am the missin link an’t a? Am ere t’put Barnsley back on t’map.

What do you do?
A write mi own songs an a sing em an that.

Are Mullets wrong?
A imagine avvin a mullet cud prove beneficial sumtimes. Like if tha wer gooin for an interview for a job as a fork-lift truck driver. Barnd t’get job then an’t tha? Or if tha wer wukkin in an ‘ot climate, it’d keep sun off thi neck s’that tha wun’t gerra red neck wud that?

Do you like the Arctic Monkeys and their music?
Ther reight gud Arctic Monkeys. Ar gorrinterem rarnd abart time they played at t’Birdwell Club up near us. Av got Five Minutes With on vinyl and cd an no tha carn’t av it. Ad gorrall t’demos an that. A like their acoustic session ones an all. Ther just like me, cos a went t’Barnsley College like two er them did. But ar wer theear first wan’t a? A used t’busk rarnd tarn while they wer still in nappies. So ther followin in my monkey footsteps t’bi reight. But ar dun’t mind if they want t’use me as a springbooard t’success. What goes rarnd comes rarnd dun’t it?

Are you keepin’ it real?
Well av rekewerded most er mi debut album in mi mam’s council house bathroom. A locked missen in wi mi guitar an mi tape rekewerder an a went through mi songs. It wer a bit awkward wi t’guitar cos when a wer sat darn on t’toilet (lid wer darn by t’way) mi guitar kept bashin up against wall, but a did mi best any ruad.

Which other celebrity monkeys do you admire?
A tha sayin that am celebite? Like that mester Morrissey? Cos av got mi fair share er followers of the female of the species let mi tell thi. Oh a see, celebrity, see worra did theear? That wer one er them misunderstandings fer comic effect, an a think a pulled it off reight well. Mi favourite celebrity monkeys erm a dun’t av any. If tha az an hero, look agearn: thaz diminished thissen in sum way.

How much do you like bananas?
Thaz tekkin t’piss nar aren’t tha? A like bananas, cos they av no bones. A mix em up wi milk an that in mi mam’s Moulinex blender. As that seen it wen that buys bananas in t’supermarket? Ther sell em in a plastic sealed bag. What’s that all abart then? Bananas dun’t need bags.

Have you had any abuse from angry Arctic Monkeys fans?
Sum folks dun’t get it du ther? They carn’t think artside t’box like wot ar can. A jumped on t’bandwagon befoor half er em ad evver heard abart em. Tha can read sum er comments on mi website. The bad comments are funnier than t’others.

What’s it really like in Barnsley?
Up an coming mate, up and coming. Az tha seen t’progress on t’new bus station yet? It’s gunna bi a grand en. They’re knockin all bus services off mind, but at least we’ll have a bus station wi leets t’sit in for an hour while wi wait for t’bus t’turn up. Barnsley’s reight near M1 an all, which is reight handy. An it’s full er cheap supermarkets. An within 10 minutes thaz in ter oppen countryside. What else cud tha wish for?

What kind of person would purchase an Artex Monkey ringtone?
A tha tranna say that thez summat wrong wi sumone who wud like mi music an wud want a ringtone. Am sure the’d bi reight popular. A cud bi almost as popular as Crazy Frog.

What does the internet mean for musicians like yourself?
It means a can upload loads er mi own music an gi it away free ter anyone who can bi arsed t’darnload it. An people can keep in touch wi mi, like on mi website an that. Anybody in t’world might bi listenin ter em. A cud bi massive in such weird places like Afghanistan, Outer Mongolia or even Athersley North.

What does your album mean to you?
A nearly went mad while a wer mekkin it. A threw mi guitar against t’wall halfway through rekewerdin session. It din’t brek though. A did most er it on one afternoon an most er it is the first take er t’song. A wanted it t’’sarnd reight raw an alive.

Why should anyone buy your album?
Cos a sweated blood, sweat an tears ovver it. An av put effort in so a reckon tha shud at least. Thers 13 tracks on it an then av put another 7 bonus tracks on. So it’s ovver 70 minutes long, nar that is reight gud value for thi money that. A reckom sum folks’d bi reight surprised abart mi songs.
Ther not Arctic Monkeys tunes wi diff’rent lyrics, it’s all diff’rent. Mi songs stand up on their own an lead a life er ther own. They flowed through mi. A bit like that curry a add t’other neet. A med it missen tha knoz.

If you make it big-time will you embrace the multi-media ‘cult of celebrity’, maybe appear on the pages of heat with your nipples out or go for a paddle on the ‘Love Island’?
Av already bin in t’pages er Zoo and Sun… So how much bigger can a get nar? It’s all darn hill nar. A’ll bi growing a mullet agen sooin an tekkin mi fork lift truck driving exam.

How much would you prostitute yourself for fame and fortune?
In 1984 a med a pact wi devil one neet at New Lodge crossroads on Wakefield Road. So it’ll all come my way an then it’ll all fall away agen. That’s the price tha pays for fame. Price av ad t’pay so far as bin £49.95 at Netto in Athersley for mi electric giutar.
A used it when a played mi debut gig in July at t’Burn Down The Disco neet at T’Arches in tarn. It’s a reight gud venue for bands an that.

In 40 years, what from 2006 will be remembered as culturally significant?
Mi debut gig at T’Arches a reckon. Tha ed t’bi theear really. A tell thi it wer like Manchester Free Trade Hall all ovver agen. In a few years time thers gunna bi all these new wave er bands that spawned from that neet.

Describe the Artex Monkey live experience?
It’s a divine thing wheear t’spirits er channelled through mi, mostly free spirits from mi rider. It’s a bit like a religious experience experience, but wi art t’religion bit - mooer like a Friday neet darn at bingo hall wi smoke effects an flashin leets.

What’s the best advice you’ve ever received?
If tha rubs a bit er pencil on a zip it meks zip move a lot smoother. Then tha dun’t gerrit stuck when tha needs t’unzip it reight sharpish like.

What’s the best advice you’ve never received?
A think a need a few mooer drinks befoor a can come up wi an answer t’this un. A just carn’t get mi eeard rarnd it. A allus mek mi own mind up at t’end er t’day. Thaz only got thissen t’blame then when it all guz wrong, an it usually duz. Mebbi a shud lissen mooer ter other folk’s advice.

What is the strangest thing that has ever happened to you?
Gorri bi mi gig in Barnsley an’t it. That worra mad neet a can tell thi. A din’t gerooam till five in t’morning. An a managed t’keep all mi teeth, an all mi prized possesions in place.

What are your vices?
Sawn-off Ron Hill tracky bottoms. Free Trade Bananas. John Smiths smooth. Semi-skimmed milk. Corduroy slacks. Av gorra few fetishes, but a dun’t want t’goo into it reight nar if tha knoz worra mearn. Mostly involving kiwi fruits, women who play bingo and handmade ropes. But ad better keep that for mi autobiography.

What is the most profound wisdom/knowledge you can leave me with?
Dun’t gi up thi day job.

Find Mr Monkey on t’internet at:


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