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The 5 types of film you'll have to watch in freshers


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Sooner or later, there will come in your freshers term a night where no one is really up for going out. Maybe your wallet has taken a beating from too many cabs. Maybe you feel like your liver could explode at any minute like a balloon pumped full of Frosty Jacks and Whisky. Maybe you don’t trust yourself not to buy all the food in Pitstop and cram it into your face hole. Whatever the reason, eventually, you and your flat/block/group will decide to have a film night. And these are the films you’ll have to watch:

1)      Pixar Films

For some reason our generation still loves kids’ movies. Yes, Pixar films are the best films for children. But Pampers are the best nappies, it doesn’t mean adults should wear them.

Still, at least with Pixar there’s likely to be some moments you can enjoy. Just pray you don’t have to watch a kiddie film by another group like DreamWorks or Universal.

No, minions aren’t cute. They look and sound like Crazy Frog fucked by a Cheese Puff. And dressing them up as various pop culture characters doesn’t make them adorable. It looks like you’ve bunged a wig on a walleyed toddler. But apparently I’m in a massive minority on this so get ready to watch hour after hour of animated animals.

2)      The Drinking game film

Just because you aren’t going out doesn’t mean you can’t carry on the noble freshers tradition of drinking until vomited up curry becomes your flat’s new colour scheme.

If you really want to fuck shit up, try the Leaving Las Vegas drinking game, where you drink everytime the alcoholic who drinks himself to death does.

3)      The weird anime film

Sooner or later it’s going be turn of that weird vegan kid to choose films. There are, of course, some great Anime films out there. But those won’t be the ones you watch. You’ll get to watch the strangest headfuck ever, directed by a Japanese mental patient. If you don’t understand it you’ll be bored and if you do understand it, you’ll have an existential crisis.

4)      The Classic

There’s bound to be a great, famous movie that you’ve never seen and that others have. And that can mean only one thing; forced viewing of it. The good news is you at last get to watch the film. The bad news is that you get to watch it on a tin screen with everyone telling you that “this is a really good bit”, “Or watch this bit, watch this bit”. What did you think I was doing? Plus, if you don’t like it people will take it as a personal insult.

5)      The film the pretty girl likes

Noone in their right mind wants to watch 10 Things I Hate About You. But as soon as the girl with cleavage professes a love for it, suddenly everyone remembers how much they love the acting work of Jennifer Aniston (or whoever.) Hell, you’d watch a goat’s colonoscopy if you thought she’d put out. But she won’t, and you’ll end up watching two hours of Matthew McConaughey for nothing. Which pretty much could describe any of his movies.

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