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Everything That Sucks About: Ted Cruz


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Everything That Sucks About is back. In this second series of ETSA we’ve moved across the pond from British politics to stare into the infinite void of disappointment that is the 2016 US election field.

Today we’re looking at:

Ted Cruz – Texas Senator, lifelong politician, Donald Trump’s Hand Puppet

WASHINGTON, DC - MARCH 13: Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) holds a news conference to announce their plan to defund the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, also known as Obamacare, at the U.S. Capitol March 13, 2013 in Washington, DC. Although Cruz and his fellow sponsors expect the legislation to fail, they believe it is an important survey of who supports health care reform. (Photo by Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images)

What if we told you there was someone worse than Donald Trump running for President?

You’d refuse to believe to right? There can’t be someone worse than Trump trying to be Prez.

Well, there is. And his name is Ted Cruz.

In case you don’t know him, Ted Cruz is a Texan senator/walking ball of smugness/presidential candidate/personification of arrogance.

Trump at least owns his “Fuck you, I’m an asshole” personality.

And that A) is hilarious and B) means most of the country will never vote for him.

Cruz is a neutered Trump. But he’s also a more electable Trump.

He has the same evil views. He has the same limited view of the world. But where Trump has brash arrogance, Cruz has a smarmy, wriggly, punchable manner.

He wishes he was Trump, but's too slimey and quiet. If Trump was conceived by a threesome between Satan, a foghorn and a tangerine (and he totally was), then Cruz was fermented from the ejaculate of Satan's lawyer, masturbating and gently weeping in the corner.

So, while you struggle to remove that image from your heads, let's look at Ted Cruz:


Politifact is a website that ranks things politicians say on a scale of “True” to “Pants on fire”. We bring this up because Ted Cruz’s record is…um…sketchy.

You wanna know how often Ted Cruz tells the truth?

4% of the time. 4%!!!! That’s one in 25 things he says. Really reaching for the stars with that one. In fairness, it’s still better than Trump’s “True” record, which is standing proudly at 0%.

Of course, it doesn’t really matter what Cruz says. It has little bearing on what he believes. Hell, it doesn’t even matter what he believes. Honestly, he’ll just change it.

You see, Ted is still hoping that Trump will eventually implode. Cruz’s plan to wait for Trump to racist himself out of the competition and then steal all his voters. The thing is, waiting for GOP voters to turn against racists is like waiting.

Ted Cruz is like a weather vane on top of Donald Trump’s car. He may twist and turn on his own, but he’s always going in the same direction as Trump.

Actually, that’s too kind. Trump is a hippo and Cruz is one of those little birds that follows him round, eating his dead skin and drinking the xenophobic bile frothing from his mouth.


Of course, following in Trump’s shadow has meant Cruz adjusting his beliefs just a little bit.

Here’s what Ted Cruz from the NRA Convention 2013 thought of birthright citizenship (the practice of giving those born in America citizenship): “Number one: The Constitution matters. All of the Constitution… it’s not pick and choose”.

Oh, he also added: “Every word of the Constitution matters”. Really, EVERY WORD. Even the ones in the 14th Amendment? The ones that say if you’re born in America you’re an American citizen?

  1. Ted from now thinks: “It doesn’t make sense to be providing rewards for people to break the law and come here. We would note, by the way, that that has been by public position in public and in writing… four years ago my position was we should end birthright citizenship”.
Well, no. No it wasn’t. It was more or less the opposite of that. Trying to nail down what Ted Cruz believes is like trying to nail down water.              

Petty Stuff:

If you're unlucky you might have seen Ted Cruz's Christmas ad. Yep, Ted Cruz has joined the likes of Sainsbury’s and John Lewis by making himself a Christmas ad.

Now, in fairness this ad is a mostly jokey ad in which Cruz reads Christmas stories like “How Obamacare stole Christmas”. Ok, it’s not exactly comic genius, but it’s clearly intended mostly as a pisstake; so that’s fine.

The issue with this mostly tongue-in-cheek commercial is the end. That’s when one of his kids hands him this…

Really? You really praising yourself with saving Christmas? A) That’s Kirk Cameron’s job and B) Fuck you. That’s not tongue in cheek, that’s head in ass.

If that’s his Christmas ad what’s his Easter one going to be like.

Also, you’re at home. On the sofa. With your family. TAKE OFF YOUR FUCKING COWBOY BOOTS.

The Christmas ad isn’t Cruz’s first failed attempt at viral popularity. He once made a video cooking gun bacon.

In it, Cruz wraps raw bacon around a rifle barrel, squeezes off a few rounds and eats the, (now cooked) meat. It's like he's wants to be the love child of Ted Nugent and Heston Blumenthal.

Again, the issue isn’t the premise. Using a gun to cook bacon is a funny, kinda cool, idea.

In a really dumb way. But leave it to a vlogger. Or a hipster food artist from Portland. Not for someone hoping to be President. There's a reason Epic Meal Time aren't in the Oval Office.

Also, only one gun? And only one rasher of bacon? Come on Ted, that's not very epic. You’re meant to be from Texas. Come back to me when you've slathered an entire pig round a cannon.

It’s amazing that someone can look as smug as Ted Cruz, and yet be so insecure as to completely jettison them as soon as they’re unpopular.

He’s a scientific miracle. He belongs in a lab being poked and prodded. You know where he doesn’t belong: The White House.

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