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Jurassic World review - the dumbest movie ever made

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Verdict: Jurassic World’s idiot brother. Everyone who watches Fallen Kingdom will lose a brain cell for every stupid thing that happens in Fallen Kingdom, which is everything that happens.

There is a scene in the awful Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom where a series of dinosaurs are wheeled out to a crowd and auctioned off, sold to those willing to be swayed by the promise of something spectacular without understanding the consequences. I’ll be damned if that weren’t a potent enough metaphor for Fallen Kingdom itself, a studio movie that epitomises why studio movies are a bad idea.

Forget Colin Trevorrow, who has been relegated to script duties here – Universal’s meat puppet has had an upgrade. Meet director J.A. Bayona, famed for his work on The Orphanage and The Impossible, who has been entrusted with the sequel nobody needed to the reboot nobody wanted.

In said sequel, Bryce “Least Interesting Actress In Hollywood” Dallas Howard has to head back to “Don’t Go Back To The Island” Island to save some dinosaurs who might become extinct from a volcano. Already, the meat-headed empathy narrative attempting to convince us that dinosaurs might actually be worth saving (they aren’t – we would die) fails to work on any audience member with half a brain. Arrogant humans hungry for knowledge they don’t deserve worked as antagonists the first time. A fifth go-around on the same carousel renders such an idea stale.

Anyway, Howard’s non-character has to reunite with ex-boyfriend Chris Pratt, an impossibly everyman, corn-fed salt-of-the-earth type whom the studio tries so hard to sell as the new matinee hero that he is introduced whilst building a damn house. The trip to the island proves to be an elaborate ruse for the studio to fool us into sitting through another hour and a half of drivel.

A precious spark of a good idea in the final act, a haunted house movie with a dinosaur, is preceded by 90 minutes of pure trash, before the haunted house narrative dies in a freak accident as well. The Indo-raptor, a hybrid between a tyrannosaurus rex and a trained velociraptor, is good. Nothing else is good.

This might be the dumbest movie ever made. Everything about it is stupid. It’s the spluttering afterbirth of a studio whose imagination is comparable to that of a vegetable – and make no mistake, no single human being could be this stupid, this disregarding of human decency, to commit such mass atrocities against reasonable structure and plotting. No, this was the work of a group, a committee. These people are pure evil, antagonists of the multiplexes who make enemies of rationality. In Fallen Kingdom, logic is to be hunted down and slaughtered like a dinosaur hunts its prey.

Not that there is much hunting in Fallen Kingdom. Where Spielberg had a penchant for sadism in the original, one which he aptly balanced with wonder, The Puppet Bayona and his studio overlords have seen fit to lambaste their hapless audience with spectacle that is weightless, charmless and feckless until we are numb from it. That is the threat that Fallen Kingdom, and all studio movies cut from the same cloth, pose to humanity. We will one day have such low standards that this will pass for entertainment.

“How many times must the point be made?” wonders Jeff Goldblum’s Ian Malcolm, and the audience, aloud. How many, indeed. How many times can we be sold the same dross before we realise we’re all being conned? How many times can art that was only fine in the first place (Jurassic Park was minor Spielberg) be re-packaged and wheeled out for audiences to stare gormlessly at? Fallen Kingdom dares to look us dead in the eye and ask us those questions face to face, waving in our faces the money it has snatched from our hands.

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom is out now, distributed by Universal. 




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