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The 10 worst romantic movies of all time

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Some romantic films are brilliantly touching pieces (Leaving Las Vegas, Dances With Wolves), with brutal honesty that moves their viewers and jerks the tears out of their faces. Others are silly and uplifting (Love Actually, Grounghog Day) that don't try to be anything they aren't but are warm us.

Romance films are like a big loveable dog: easy to watch, stupid and entertaining. But every now and then that dog does a shit. And like a groundkeeper with a weird fetish we've keep the shittiest of those shits and compiled them for you:

10. Twilight

Yes. Of course Twilight makes this list. It's a film that turns vampires into sex objects and miserable goth girls into brave heroines. Edward is supposed to be 900 years old but you'll feel older than that in the opening credits of this poorly written, cynically produced, lacking in heart film. There's an old superstition that vampires need to explain their situation and ask the host's permission before entering a house. That rule should apply for Twilight fans. Or I get to drain a stake into them. 

9. Alex and Emma

As much as I love Luke Wilson, this film is terrible. The narrative is that an author has to write a book in thirty days or he is going to loose his home. Fine. I just wish the writers of this film had taken thirty days to write this film. Instead they seem to have googled 'cliché' and then printscreened the results. The result is like being hit by a papermache bus made out of terrible love poetry.

8. Jack and Jill

The Award for Worst Adam Sander Movie is a competitive one. Every time he brings out another movie it's is forced to compete against all his other ones.

But we may have a winner. Jack and Jill started as an eight line nursey rhyme, and in those lines has more plot, characterisation and charm than this film does in almost two hours. Jack (played by Adam Sandler) is forced to watch as the hapless Jill (played by Sandler, who has stretched his acting range by wearing a wig) falls over a lot, screams a lot, and gets covered in an array of things (custard, mud), none of which, unfortunately, are napalm.  This stays out of the top five because it does have one redeeming feature. If you pretend that Jack is actually the real Adam Sandler and Jill is Adam Sandler's acting career, this film is fantastic, as Sandler watches his hapless career helplessly, tears in his eyes.  

 

7. Twilight: New Moon

Really, They made another one? Fuck's sake.

6. Trojan War

This is a film with Jennifer Love Hewitt that cost $15 million to make in the late 90s. How much money did it make back? $300. TOTAL. Sometimes the Box Office tells you all you need to know about a film.

5. Valentine's Day

A film named after the day? What could go wrong? Well for a start, the acting, the plot, the casting and the cinematography. This film is more sugery sweet than the Honey Monster's ballsack.  

4. Twilight: Eclipse

Another Twilight film? Yes, but don't worry I won't put any more in. The Breaking Dawn Twilight films don't break onto this list is because they a) stray away from romance, b) stray away from the generous title "films."

3. Swept Away

Hooray. A Madonna film about getting beaten and falling in love with her abuser. I'd hate Rhianna to have a monopoly. Genuinely, this film doesn't portray the relationship as flawed. Madonna is kidnapped and beaten to a pulp. The character then falls helplessly in love with her kidnapper and is forced to make the agonising decision between escaping or staying with him. Except that isn't an agonising decision. You escape. You run, you jump, you hide, and you escape.

 

2. Birdemic

This film, about the two survivors of a bird epidemic, is unusual as a post apocalyptic movie because you actively root against humanity's survival. Honestly, if way man could survive as a species was these two vapid, pointless actors breeding I would vasectamise the man myself.

 

1. Gigli

Rom Coms tend to stretch the realms of possibility. But Ben Affleck as a hitman who seduces a lesbian Jennifer Lopez and they live happily ever after? Affleck couldn't even live happily ever with the real, hetrosexual Lopez. And the acting ain't great. I mean, I can see Lopez as a lesbian. In fact I see it most nights. But Afflecck as a hitman? Ben's been in some of the worst movies ever made and he still hasn't killed his career. 




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