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Film Review: Piranha 3DD


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PiranhaAny film which has the tag line “Double the action. Double the terror. Double the D's” was never going to be great, but John Gulager's sequel to Piranha 3D is so astronomically bad that a swim in piranha-infested waters becomes a more entertaining alternative.

Piranha 3DD follows a similar plot to that of its predecessor – i.e. fantastically-aggressive fish terrorising all who dare to enter the water. But this time, it's set in a water park. The first thing to be said about this monstrosity of a film is that the story is so weak and so all over the place, that the term 'plot' seems to be totally unsuitable.

Character development was non-existent, the story was about as uneven as a Lego mattress and events seem to be purely geared towards splattering as much blood and guts at the audience as possible. The one-dimensional characters and wooden acting made it a relief when the piranhas attacked the sex-crazed teens but ultimately led to a shockingly-boring movie.

Away from the technical aspects, the level of gore and fishy violence was rather stomach-turning, culminating in a child's head being bitten off by a piranha (hilarious, I know). Everything about this film was offensive and crass: women swimming around with no clothes on and a guy chopping off his own penis to remove a rather randy piranha are the tip of the iceberg.

An appearance by the Hoff was laughable and rather desperate and made the whole proceedings seem like a bad dream. Marketed as a horror-comedy, I can assure you I was neither scared, nor amused and I'm sure there are college courses in public convenience cleaning which are more entertaining than the 83 minutes of boring drivel which I had to endure.

The romantic interest in the film can hardly be called that and was so unintelligible that it's surprising to find that three people have wasted a large part of their lives writing the screenplay. Indeed, at times I wanted to fling myself into the killer-infested water to end it all.

All the prints of Piranha 3DD deserve to be locked in a box and buried in some Brazilian jungle where they will never be found again. Offensive and unfunny, Piranha 3DD deserves to sink at the box office as a prime example of how not to make a film. Do yourself a favour and avoid this film like the plague.

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