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Why the reincarnation of low-rise jeans is the worst thing to happen since, like, ever

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Vogue tried to make it happen in 2015. Who What Wear tried to make it happen in 2016. The world resisted but fashion publications are adamant: low-rise jeans WILL happen.

I don’t want to sound dramatic but I would rather die than leave the house in a pair of low-rise jeans. I honestly feel as if I must have some deep-rooted childhood trauma in relation to low-rise jeans. Even the term ‘hipster’ makes me want to dry-wretch a little bit.

This isn’t the first fashion and beauty trend reincarnation I’ve strongly opposed to. I avoided thick brows like the plague and have been weighing up whether or not people wear bucket hats because they do drugs, or do drugs because they wear bucket hats (the jury is still out on that one).  

However, one thing I really never anticipated was the return of was low-rise jeans. 

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Yes, high waists have dominated the high street market for the last decade, but for good reason. They’re both flattering yet versatile. Ate too many tacos? High-waisted jeans hide the food baby. Bloated? High waisted = covered. Gym still a work in progress? Yep, high waisted jeans have got you girl.

Low-rise jeans on the other hand...

Not only do they button up on the widest part of your frame, but they squeeze you in, leaving an uncomfortable overhang (on most of us ordinary folk).

Plus, with big bums being ‘the new thigh gap’, ladies have needed some extra trunk to fit their junk in. Nobody wants to be fearing a builders bum every time they have to bend / reach / move in any direction what-so-ever. In fact, if I’m being totally honest here, I think the visible thong trend that went with low-rise jeans back in the day was founded purely by accident.

What baffles me is that someone was a good enough actress to say ‘yeah, duh, that’s how they’re meant to be,’ and the whole world fell for it. 

Now, the final, very confusing, straw for the average Jane Doe is how on earth do you style these monstrosities? You can’t wear a cropped top unless you have the body of a goddess (that of or insane body confidence). And even then, the large gap between fabrics is odd and off putting, flattering the wearer quite literally nowhere. The only acceptable combination is that of a t-shirt or drawstring hoodie, which will ultimately end up with you looking like an extra from a mid 00’s high school drama.

It seems only fitting to adopt a line from the high school drama to rule them all, Mean Girls: "Stop trying to make low-rise jeans happen, Vogue / International Designers / Instacelebs. It’s not going to happen."

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