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The 10 scariest children's toys... ever

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Ah childhood. The only time in our lives when we were truly innocent, living our lives day-to-day, not caring about the future, frolicking gently in the sun and the grass in a PG kind of manner. Even Christmas, which is now one of the most cynical days of the year for me, was once a happy memory of rushing downstairs to see what the man in red had bought me that year.

Little did I know that my - and my siblings - presents were (with hindsight) often perverted toys of explicit superheroes, creepy talking dolls and toys which I am certain are plotting to take over the world.

There are dozens, if not hundreds, of these toys out there. Let us count down my personal top ten scariest children's toys ever made. 

Note: I have ranked these based on personal experience as well as online research. I am sure not everyone would agree with this list, but for me, I find them repellent on a number of levels. I have a feeling sleep will not come easy tonight.

10. Teddy Ruxpin

The classic dancing bear, Teddy Ruxpin was, by any standard, the forbearer (see what I did there?) of a new generation of creepy cuddly toys. The concept was a simple one: you inserted a tape into his back, and he would proceed to sing and dance to the music. Although great joy was once had watching him dance to the Wombles again and again, yet now, with the gift of age and wisdom on my side, I realise that his overt innocence and friendly voice reminds me of something darker. If you could take a paedophile, transfer them into a teddy bear, you would without a doubt get Teddy Ruxpin.

9. Chubbles

I never owned this toy, and that I can only be thankful for. This toy radiates cute and cuddly, hell, it looks like an Ewok, which we all remember as being cute and cuddly. Yet let us not forget that those same Ewoks also killed hundreds of Stormtroopers. After some research, I found the below video, and I suddenly realised this toy had to go on my list, the noise it makes... well, if an Ewok and the Terminator had a baby, it would have been called Chubbles.

 

8. Epidermits

This toy never made it past the prototype stage, and if you have a look at the photo of it below, you can see why. Apparently, the designers wished to “confuse kids and rob them of any remaking sense of the natural.” Why anyone would wish to purposefully traumatise kids is beyond me, but this toy must be a sex toy for some kind of perverted alien, and the designs accidentally landed in someone’s backyard. On a side note, the same producers as the Epidermits also thought of sunglasses for babies, which would display educational programs for your baby to watch while unattended. Makes complete sense if you ask me.

7. Batman water gun

If I were a toy designer, and an adult, I cannot possibly think of a worst way to scar superhero fans for life than developing the Batman water pistol. Just look at the thing. The trigger is his crotch, the filling nozzle on his rectum, and the barrel in his mouth. I would be petrified looking back having known I had actively squirted juices from Batman over my friends and family. At least the toy's adverts did not say “pump on Batman's trigger to get release”.

6. Lawn Darts

So far, we've had the creepy and the perverted, and now we have Lawn Darts, a toy for ages three and above which are literally to die for. After the toys release in the United States, three children were killed while playing with the oversized projectile weapons. Although not scary in it's concept, the fact that this toy can actually kill you justifies it making my top ten.

5. Pregnant Barbie

The guys over at Mattel have got it all figured out: a series of dolls for girls that can change outfit and design as new trends sweep the Western world all over. Barbie has been a solider, a police officer, a doctor, a horse rider and countless more worthy and noble professions, and eventually, Ken got his way and gave Barbie the change to become a mother. It sounds great - if she could cure cancer, why not have a baby? Right? Wrong. Look at the photo. There cannot be nothing more off-putting for young girls than thinking that's what it is really like to have a baby growing inside you. Then again, perhaps Mattel wanted to try their hand at population control?

4. Living Dead Dolls

After browsing their online store for a while, I decided that, from a purely scary standpoint, these dolls deserved a mention. They inspired, if legend is to be believed, the Living Dead series of films, which are credited on numerous internet horror film lists. So what makes these dolls so scary? Well, I would hazard a guess and say that they may have encouraged slightly disturbing behaviour in their collectors, but beyond that, they helped create Chuckie.

3. Macabre Plush Toys

Can you become emotionally terrified? Can you have your childhood innocence ripped away from you in an orgy of blood and horror? It turns out you can, and Macabre Plush Toys have duly delivered a unicorn which has speared a teddy bear with its horn. So much for unicorns being restricted for the girly love of princesses, now, they can also be enjoyed by serial killers.

2. Baby Laugh-a-Lot

I think the commercial says it all really. Just... I'm not really sure what I can say about it, the concept is lovely, a doll which will brighten up any household with a child's laughter. Then, the makers of the advert decided to watch a few horror films, get drunk, and then launch Baby Laugh-a-Lot with one of the creepiest television adverts in the history of humankind. The doll not only giggles, not only laughs, but it will also give you nightmares.

 

1. Furby

I knew what would be my number one before I even began to write this list. I knew instantly that the big eyed, furry little gadget of the 1990s would make my number one spot. My sister loved her Furby, my brother even loved his, and yet somehow I could never learn to trust, or care for, or even love mine. I went to sleep knowing that it might be my last slumber, for there on the other side of my room was the Furby. The toy to end all humans. The toy who would offer my heart to Satan. It might have been the combination of watching Gremlins, eating too many sweets and then getting a Furby for Christmas, but this revolutionary little toy will always scare me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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