Embarrassing sex injuries revealed: Woman hospitalised after chainsaw-dildo incident
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Sexual injuries: in general, we’re probably talking carpet burns, overexertion and maybe the odd pulled muscle (if you’ve been particularly vigorous). Does it come as a surprise that 18 million Brits have injured themselves in this way? Well, not really. Apparently, Brits like it rough. TNS hopes that the sex injuries sustained by one third of the population are more in the category of those above, rather than the ones that we discovered through a quick bit of (mildly disturbing) Googling. It didn’t make pleasant reading. Think mid-sex feline attacks, orgasms that quite literally make your eyes pop, and passing out in flagrante only to be discovered naked in the basement a while later – by your gran. Clearly, sex is a dangerous activity. We bet you didn’t realise how dangerous (or how some people could get it so very, very wrong). Prepare to be enlightened. And yes, the mishaps we discovered are all real. Gran’s medication: do not use as a lubricant. Imagine being so desperate for sex right now that you end up using your gran’s nitroglycerin paste as lube, causing you to pass out half way through the act. Imagine regaining consciousness, later, and being rescued. By your gran. We’d go as far as to say that this was possibly the low point of your relationship. And life. Pussy patrol. Apparently it isn’t just dogs that are protective of their owners. Ferocious moggies have been known to claw their way into their owners’ sex sessions, leaving them with welts on their backs. And probably in some other, more painful, places. Exploding orgasms. Eye-popping orgasms, in theory, are supposedly a good thing. But when the moment of pleasure is so intense that is causes the blood vessels in your eyes to actually explode – well, you should probably be careful what you wish for. Love might be blind, but sex probably shouldn’t be.
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