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Being small can have its advantages. I am able to fit into cupboards quite neatly, with little to no effort. So you can imagine that when I play hide and seek, I'm killer. I can see escape routes whilst in crowds and can tunnel through the legs of others, whilst the tall types are stuck stood up like everyone else. And best of all, when I enter limbo competitions - I win. I don’t even need to bend backwards. But there is a moment in which you realise being small is actually quite naff - no one can see you.

Especially in clubs. I totter about, only to be drowned in a sea of stilettos.  No one can see me. I am alone in my sea of tall. So what can be done to get people to notice you? Especially if you’re all the way down there. No one is going to look down South unless they are rooting around for money on the floor. Well, for any girl who feels people may be ignoring her- China has come up with an ingenious plan. With this product you will never be ignored again! Tall or small, if you are having a problem with not existing to others  (and you have boobs or moobs) this is for you.

Yes, somehow it seems as though it will take all that flabby fat from your big fat ass and your big fat belly and stick it where it matters- your boobs. In other words this product is telling ladies to walk around with their norks out. That way you will marry a handsome rich man and go and live in a castle. A must for any woman.

And now for the guys. If you want people to sit up and take notice, perhaps you should grow a beard. Get a bit of face fuzz going on, you know. The type of facial hair you choose to grow will help society put you into neat little stereotypes. Wise old man beards, pretentious artist beards and the bushy sideburns of farmers all come with their own set of expectations. But horror! You find you can’t grow one! You can’t even squeeze one hair out! So what to do? Well this herehas a solution for you! It combines a beanie hat with a detachable knitted beard. You will be the envy (and laughing stock) of all your friends! And as it is winter- you will be able to keep your naked, hairless face warm, in the face of the icy weather.

And speaking of feeling cold, I have a video here that will make you feel full on rigid freezing inside. The video for 'Big Bad Wolf' by Duck Sauce contains a group of men (and women) who have heads for genitals. They are seen generally lugging these massive singing heads around in their pants and getting them to er 'interact' with one another. The images have been seared onto my retina forever and always.

I bet you are all gagging to see that ending again and again and again... right? No? Just me then.

If you have watched that and feel you just want to swear but aren’t sure what to say, or can’t quite select the correct word to sum up your feelings then fear not, for I have provided you with a link to the PeriodicTableofSwearing. Although obviously don’t click this link if you don’t like swearing. Or Periodic tables.

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