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Comment: Please don't come fly with me: 5 ways to annoy me at the airport

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That never-ending BEEP BEEP of the 4am alarm. The check, check and triple check that your passport is still in the zipped pocket you left it in. Realising you didn’t pack the suncream… By the time you're inside the terminal building, patience is wearing thin. Whether it’s the screaming kids at check-in or the man beside you on the plane who just farted... something is going to tip you over the edge. And that 'something' is probably going to be a 'someone'.

As a student at the University of Liverpool, and hailing from Northern Ireland; I can now call myself a frequent flier. I take trips home for Christmas, Easter, summer and the occasional weekend. It's not glam. It just means I get all the irritations of flying without the reward of being in sunny Spain at the end. I like my airport experiences quick and painless now they are no longer a novelty.

airplaneDon't worry about getting a flight with me, I'll cause you no trouble. I'm a pro now. But here are just five of the reasons you might find me rolling my eyes at you at the airport:

1. Are you carrying a ton of bricks in your suitcase?

Nearly at the front of the check-in queue. There's one person in front swinging their bag onto the conveyor belt and talking to the nice lady. The lady shakes her head and says, 'we'll have to charge you for the excess.' The passenger looks embarrassed and puts the suitcase on the floor. Jumpers and books are suddenly strewn across the shiny tiles. 

I have sympathy for anyone who finds their case to be a kilo overweight. We all push our luck. But five kilos? Mate, are you joking? You didn't think when you were lifting the bag out of your car, 'this is heavy, I can hardly lift it?' or 'I might leave one of these three novels behind?' I’ll help: Give me one of your books to read while I wait for three hours behind you in this queue. eye roll.

2. Are you a magpie/why are you wearing all the metal you own through security?

You're so used to having your phone in your pocket you forgot it was there. Or the trusty watch on your wrist. Or your suit of armour. You forgot. Fine. But this is why they have signs and people everywhere that say 'take it off and put it in this box.' All you have to do is check your pockets and your arms. It takes a tap of your hands on the front and back of your jeans, and a glance at your wrists. Please do it.

Oh, and don't think the 'take off your shoes' rule doesn't apply to you. So when you choose your shoes that morning try and avoid the pair with the most laces that anyone has ever seen. Watching you grumble as you hop around on one foot untying your laces while the queue behind you lengthens isn't that funny. eye roll.

3. One person does not equal three seats.

The airport is busy. The departures board says ‘relax and shop’ even though the last thing you feel is relaxed and a bottle of water costs £2.50 so no thanks, I won’t be shopping. There are no seats… although really there are; it’s just that Mr. Just-As-Grumpy-As-Everyone-Else has decided to step up the grumpy one more gear by putting all of his hand luggage on the seats either side of him. He has pretended to read his newspaper when he sees you come near him looking for a seat.

This experience is long and laborious for everyone. Be nice. If you can’t, at least be polite through gritted teeth. Bags go on the floor. Seats are for people. eye roll. 

4. You arrived last to the gate, so you should get on first…

Do you think you have now entered another dimension where queuing is a long forgotten ritual? Quite simply, everyone else arrived 20 minutes before you. Go to the back of the queue. Don’t worry; you’ll still get on the plane.  

The main problem I have with these queue-jumpers is that they aren’t even subtle ‘creep forward and slide in so no one notices’ queue-jumpers. It’s a lady with sixteen elbows and something sharp in her handbag shuffling forward and almost rhythmically banging into your hip to get in front. Lady, I’m not moving. eye roll.

5. Was there was a drawing pin sticking out of your seat?

Sorry, it’s just that you got up so fast from your seat when we landed I thought something was wrong. It still doesn’t explain the part when you pushed past to get into the aisle and tried to knock someone out thudding your bag out of the overhead lockers though. I bet you’re lady from number 3 too. Well, they haven’t opened the airtight doors and around fifteen nice passengers in front of you are going to let someone in front of them off first… plus you still have to wait for your luggage. So good luck with all the time saving you’re trying to do. eye roll.

Flying can be a lovely experience; whether you’re going to Portugal for three weeks or just going home for the weekend.

If the check-in staff are nice and you get through security quickly and your plane leaves on time; brilliant. If there’s a cosy coffee shop and a stranger who ends up being your friend by the time you board the plane; even better. All we can do is be nice to our fellow passengers (maybe internalise the eye rolling a little) and hope for the best. 'The best' being that the people who commit crimes 1-5 just don’t fly the day we do.

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