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Super Bowl 50: Preview

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Good news, it's the one Sunday of the year when it's acceptable for Brits to stay up all Sunday night drinking, eating and cheering for concussions.

Superbowl 50That's right: THE SUPER BOWL.

Whatever you're looking forward to this Sunday, this guide is here to ensure you know what to expect from all the different things that Super Bowl 50 will throw at you.

There's a lot to cover, starting with:

The Teams

On the one hand, you have the Denver Broncos. Or rather the Denver Broncos' defence and their grandfather: world's oldest man Peyton Manning.

Actually, Manning is the team's quarterback, and was once arguably the greatest player of all time. Of course, calzone is arguably the greatest food of all time and you wouldn't want a 39-year-old one as the lynchpin of your entire meal.

In his decade-spanning career, Manning has broken every record out there. Most passing yards by a player, most wins by a player, first zombie to reach a Super Bowl.

Around him, is one of the scariest defences in league history. Only two weeks ago it turned Tom Brady into a crash test dummy, tackling him 20 times, more than any quarterback has been sacked for over a decade. One of the Broncos' players even admitted to trying to teabag Tom Brady after tackling him. Which is hilarious.

 

On the other hand, you have the all-singing all-dancing Carolina Panthers. Specifically, you have the all-singing, all-dancing Cam Newton, a man so charming and bouncy you'd swear he was the love child of Will Smith and a trampoline.

Newton is an unstoppable force of fun. A few months ago he danced into Wisconsin and pissed off Julius Peppers so much, the dude stole his scoring football and wouldn't let him have it (Newton later stole it back and gave it to a child in the stands). And still Cam danced.

A couple of months ago, he danced into Tennesee and busted moves so awesome another player angrily (read: jealously) tried to fight him. And still Cam danced.

Three weeks ago he danced into Seattle and beat the Seahawks by so much that 'Hawks fans have started a petition to ban him from the stadium. And still Cam danced.

The Panthers have only lost one game all season. Don’t count on them to double that on Sunday.

The excess:

The Super Bowl is the one night a year anything goes. Getting jets to fly over and spray red, white and blue vapour trails during the national anthem? Have at it.

Specially minting a unique coin for the coin toss? Go for it.

Spending millions of dollars assembling a crack team, just so Manning can tick something off his bucket list? Why not.

More chicken wings are eaten on Super Bowl Sunday than any other day of the year. Millions of gallons of beer are downed (just by me). And nine months later there's a spike of new births in the winning city.

Just remember American kids born in November, you parents made you at a SuperBowl after party, both drunkenly pretending they were doing it with a cheerleader.

The Halftime Show:

Is anyone looking forward to this?

Who has the idea to invite Coldplay to the world's most pumped-up party. Let alone to allow them to play a 15-minute concert in the middle.

The end of the first half is going to be melancholy enough what with the janitor being called out to sweep up Manning's ashes. We don't need twenty minutes of suicide music to remind us we're terrible people.

Look, I'm not going to pretend I'm too cool for Coldplay. I'll occasionally pop on 'Yellow' or 'Paradise' and stare hopelessly out of the window. BUT THIS IS NOT THE PLACE FOR THEM.

The Scandals:

No Super Bowl party is complete without some douche trying to ruin it by going through an exhaustive list of the NFL crimes (which in fairness is about the same length as the Crips').

The good news is that Super Bowl 50 features two of the less evil teams in the league.

Sure, Peyton Manning has been accused of illegally using up an extremely rare HIV treatment just to keep his flimsy, stapled together body from tumbling into pieces on the field. 

But compared to the last year's winning team (which, let's never forget, covered up a player's PCP addiction and gang links until after he murdered two people) Peyton's Broncos are angels.

In fact there's almost a sense of Karma to this Super Bowl. SuperBowl 48 was won by  the Patriots; who have got so bored of conventional cheating methods (like filming other teams' practice sessions) last season they resorted to Wacky-Races-level shit like deflating the footballs before games. They're two matches away from using Voodoo dolls or putting magnets in the shoes of opposing players.

But this year the Pats spent 60 minutes getting pushed, tackled and (apparently) tea aged by the Broncos defence.

The Panthers traded away Greg Hardy (a man who, police records indicate, not only has a sofa full of automatic weapons and beats his wife, but beat his wife on a sofa full of automatic weapons). Since then? 17-1. The team that bought Hardy? 4-12 and still forced to live in Dallas.

OK, it's all a stretch. But this still might be the most guilt-free Super Bowl in years.

 

ENJOY THE GAME EVERYONE.

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