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Everything that sucks about: Ben Carson

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Everything That Sucks About is back. In this second series of ETSA we’ve moved across the pond from British politics to stare into the infinite void of disappointment that is the 2016 US election field.

Today we’re looking at:

Dr Ben Carson – Brain Surgeon, Public Speaker, Pyramid Truther

MERRY CHRISTMAS, THE WORLD SHOULD HAVE ENDED 171 YEARS AGO.

That’s what we imagine Ben Carson said to his kids on Christmas morning. After all, Carson is a Seventh Day Adventist, the branch of Protestantism that believes that Jesus should have come back and ended the Earth in 1844.

You know, if someone was 171 years late for a date with us we’d begin to question how much they cared about us.

What could possibly be keeping Jesus so long? Is he stuck in traffic? Even death only delayed him for, like, three days.

The saddest part is Carson has his first date with JC all planned out. He even has a painting of it:

It is pretty amazing that such an openly stupid man as Dr Ben Carson can be a brain surgeon. After all, it’s brain surgery. That job that’s so famously difficult family members will use it over Christmas dinner to shit on what you do:

“Oh, you write jokey articles calling politicians stupid? How nice for you. Still, not exactly brain surgery.”

“What, that thing that even Ben Carson can do?”

“Point taken.”

And Dr Ben Carson is, by all accounts, a very good brain surgeon. He performed the first separation of conjoined twins. He’s saved the lives of countless children. He’s generally awesome with a scalpel.

But we’re not here focus on the positives. Here are some of the things Dr Carson is not awesome at:

Positions

Carson is the first Presidential candidate we know of to have a strong opinion on the origin of the pyramids. According to him they were built by the biblical figure Joseph (not a great start) in order to store grain.

You know, it doesn’t take an expert to point out: “Um… Pharaohs were a thing.”

Dr Carson also believes the Leaning Tower of Piza is Goliath’s penis and that the Coliseum was built by King David to showcase his baby-cutting-in-half tekkers in. Probably.

Carson is also on the record (for real this time) that the holocaust would have been harder for the Nazis if the Jews had been packing heat.

Oh, so all Anne Frank needed was an Uzi and Hitler would have been stopped in his tracks. That’s nuts. Although, I would pay to watch that movie: “[In epic trailer voice] Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the Attic… THE DIARIES OF ANNE FRANK 2: FRANK HARDER.”

Remember that classic line in the book: “In spite of everything I still believe that most people are really good… for target practice”. God, that’d be awesome. Come on Hollywood, you’ve made worse.

Other than that Carson’s views are just the typical beliefs of his party:

  • He’s against abortion and the use of fetal tissue in medical research (you, know apart from that time he TOTALLY DID MEDICAL RESEARCH USING FETAL TISSUE).
  • He doesn’t believe in evolution. Of course.
  • He condemned the protests in Baltimore (the ones that were sparked by the death of Freddie Gray while in police custody), and claimed “If you have an unpleasant experience with a plumber you don’t declare war on all plumbers.” Well, no. But plumbers don’t routinely execute unarmed black people. Well, except outside of Nintendo’s new game, Mario: Race War edition.
  • He equated gays with paedophiles.
  •  He called scientists who believe in the Big Bang “highfalutin”. Nothing else to add, that’s just a funny word.
  • Other stuff. Probably. We got too depressed to carry on researching.
Pandering

Carson is also the first Presidential candidate to run on a platform of: “I totally tried to stab a guy once.”

Yeah, Carson is dining out on the story of the time teenaged him tried to stab a friend (and would have done if the friend’s belt buckle hadn’t broken the blade). Of course, then Carson found The Lord and became a peaceful man.

Now, we realise the point of this story is the redemption, but it still seems a little weird for a Presidential candidate to brag about shanking his mate.

The sad thing is Dr Carson shouldn’t need to alter his life story. He came from a poor black family, worked hard, got into Harvard, worked hard, became a brain surgeon, worked hard and became an excellent brain surgeon.

That’s wonderful. That’s amazing. That’s literally the American dream.

But if Carson tried to use that around the GOP’s voter base and the reply would be: “I dunno, a black guy working hard? Pretty fishy.”

Maybe Carson’s afraid of being compared to Obama (you know, that other black guy who worked hard and came from nothing to be President). Maybe he is afraid of losing the racist voters. Maybe he’s hoping someone will endorse him for “shanking” on LinkedIn.

We’ll never know why Carson made up his alternative life story. But we do know that “I worked hard and pulled myself up from nowhere” is more impressive than “I’d have killed someone if I wasn’t foiled by the power of buckles”.

 

Petty Stuff

Ah, who even cares anymore?

Ben Carson is a maniac with insane views, crazy delusions and, apparently, the world’s heaviest eyelids:

Actually that look is waaaay better than the alternative:

But screw way, screw it.

Don’t let that spoil the optimism of the new year.

Make the most of it. If Carson gets into office we might not make it to the next one.

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