Film Review: The Lords of Salem
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Before we get down to if this was a good film or not, there’s one thing I’ll say about The Lords of Salem that I haven’t honestly said about any other movie in a good solid while: it has something for everyone.
Not in the way where Finding Nemo or Forrest Gump have something for everyone because people of the ages two, 22, and 102 can sit through them and have a good ‘ol time. In the way where I’ve never witnessed such a wide spectrum of reactions to a film, ever. Or anything, actually.
I viewed this film with a good few other people, as often happens when you view films. Every single one of them seemed to have a drastically different experience to the next. To my right sat a man who laughed hysterically throughout the entire thing. Directly in front was a lady who was fast asleep before the opening credits and still very much in that state when we made our way out. A couple rows behind me emerged the unmistakable sounds of tears on more than one occasion. Somewhere to the right sat a gentleman who threw up a little at one point. To my left sat a man who got up and went to the toilet three times. There was also someone towards the back who offered a rather unwelcome cacophony of aroused breathing throughout. Or potentially just a person who was getting some serious jip from his asthma. Something for everyone, though.The Lords of Salem is undoubtedly a fun time. If you’re into that sort of thing. If you’re not, then what are you even doing bothering reading the reviews? Just turn this off and go and see The Croods. If you’re generally into pretty unusual stuff then this is one you can’t miss; wanking Satans, spitting on new-borns, and more pointless nudity than you could shake a stick at, it has it all. There’s a chance that someone might mention that it contains a copious amount of scenes involving naked witches dancing about. Well, don’t make the mistake others have made and presume that, by witches, they must mean Emma Watson. Because they don’t mean Emma Watson. They don’t mean Emma Watson one bit. The protagonist is, as with every Rob Zombie film, played by his wife, Sheri Moon Zombie. Sheri Moon Zombie’s prowess as an actress have often been critiqued rather heavily in the past but she did a fair job with this one. She spends the majority of the film having some right unfortunate hallucinations/dreams which, even though her general diet is not focused on, we can probably assume can be blamed on cheese. When she’s not dealing with the consequences of apparent mass pre-bedtime cheese consumption, she has to make a go of living in the same apartment block as three crazy old women. One of which always wears a knee-length cardigan, which, as you probably already know, is the international symbol of being a Mum. That isn’t really relevant to the plot of the film but what’s a review without a sly bit of cardigan trivia?
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