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8 Made-Up Punctuation Marks We Need To Make Happen

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Countless times you send a text that was supposed to say one thing, but ending up saying another. With communication becoming more digital, sometimes a text conversation can go completely the wrong direction. A misplaced punctuation can lead to an argument, (‘it sounded like you were annoyed because you just used a full stop and you didn’t write ‘xo’) you can lose your hilarious use of sarcasm, (‘can I copy that work it took you all night to do?’ ‘Oh sure, why not’ ‘Good, thanks’ *noooo*) and sometimes things just get awkward by accident (‘Thanks for the date, it was fun!’ vs. ‘Thanks for the date, it was fun…’)

Luckily, CollegeHumor writer Mike Trapp has come up with a number of handy new punctuation marks that are sure to guide us through the often treacherous medium of texting. (disclaimer: these aren’t actually ever going to be in use, but they are pretty funny.)

The “I’m Not Angry” Mark

not angry

You’ve hit snooze one too many times and are still lying in bed when you get a text from your Dad saying ‘We need to talk.’ The tone sounds serious. What does he know? What has he found in your room? Did he see your bank statement?? Do universities ring home if you skip too many lectures?! Every bad thing you have ever done comes flooding back and within seconds you are sweating and working out your apology speech. Turns out he wanted to find out how long you’d be home for in the summer and just texted so he wouldn’t forget. If the “I’m Not Angry” mark had existed, you wouldn’t have had to spend your morning with your head in your hands and close to tears.

The Sinceriod

Because you’re so witty all the time, it’s hard to express genuine appreciation when everyone expects your comment to be dripping with sarcasm. You were genuinely just thinking you need new pyjamas and someone buys you some for your birthday. You thank the gift giver and suddenly they are defending their choice of apparel. You find yourself insisting you love them, sounding less and less genuine every time you hit ‘send.’ The Sinceriod informs the person you are texting that you mean what you are saying and they feel all warm and fuzzy inside. You feel the same on the outside, because you are wearing new pyjamas.

Sarcastises

Sometimes expressing sarcasm can be equally as difficult as expressing gratitude. Italics aren’t an option and so you come across as an aggressive text yeller instead, being forced to USE CAPITALS ALL THE TIME. ‘OH GREAT IDEA I’D LOVE TO’ ‘well I didn’t mean to make you angry I just thought…’ ‘oh no sorry it’s not that bad I just don’t think I can do it…’ Everyone feels bad about themselves. With sarcastises, you go back to funny and not mean. Or at least mean funny. Just not mean mean.

Superellipsis

As punctuation goes, ellipsis is pretty handy for the dramatic lover of surprises in us all. But sometimes it’s just not enough. Sometimes you need a proper drum roll rather than just a mini pause. For example; ‘guess what… we’re having pizza tonight!’ is a fair use of ellipsis. But ‘guess what… we’re getting a puppy!’ really could have used a little more oomph. A drum roll or a ‘TA DA’ at the end. For a punctuation mark, this is what superellipsis aims for.  

Morgan Freemark

Putting on voices is always fun. We forget when we read that we’re half listening to a little voice in our head read out the sentence. When it’s made obvious (like now), it’s all we can think about. If we’re going to listen to a little voice, why not make it the voice of the ultimate narrator, Mr Morgan Freeman. I hope he’s with you, reading this now.

 

Hemi-Demi-Semi-Colon

Not only does this punctuation mark work for texts but essays too. Should I use a comma here? A semi colon? Ain’t nobody got time for this. Is there even a right answer? (yes but we’re lazy) The HDSC can help us all just finish the point we’re making and move on, free of anguish.

 

 

Andorpersand

It’s a tough call. The battle of and/or. It’s awkward to pick between them. But it’s even more awkward to write out ‘and/or’ every time you’re feeling indecisive and/or trying to be inclusive. Andopersand takes away your worries in one simple squiggle.

 

 

Mockwotation Marks

Instead of Morgan Freeman’s gravelly tones, imagine a ten year old screwing up their nose and singing ‘neh neh neh neh neh’ to annoy you. Mockwotation marks allow your more dramatic side loose again, most likely to describe how someone you don’t like was acting.

So there you have it. Punctuation for your every need. You may never see these in real life. But hey, we should dream anyway. We should dream of a day where we are funny and not rude, thankful and not ungrateful, and most of all we should dream that Morgan Freeman is narrating our every move. It will certainly get us through revision faster, if nothing else.

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